Gone
by idioticonion
Summary: One of the gang decides to leave New York. AU - Set after S04 Happily Ever After
1. Chapter 1

She swirled the ice around the bottom of her glass, biting her lip absently. It took her a moment to realise that Barney had stopped speaking and was, in fact, looking at her intently.

"So what's up? Admit it, Scherbatsky, you're just totally overwhelmed by my awesome!" He grinned and nodded his head.

"Actually… I was just thinking about how much I really need to get laid right now," Robin blurted. Where the hell had that come from?

He blinked at her, laughed - a low dirty chuckle - then looked over his shoulder to scope the room, easily slipping in to the role of her wingman. Glancing back at her, he shuddered and gave her a thin smile. "Houston, we have a problem. Slim pickings tonight."

She sighed. It was kind-of liberating to talk to him like this, knowing that he'd never judge her. But she was struggling in the battle between id and the ego and three scotch and sodas definitely weren't helping her make sensible choices. "Exactly," She said. "I think I could _literally_ hump the jukebox right now."

Barney's grin turned up a notch and he fished his iPhone out of his suit pocket, poised as if to film the action. "I'm ready when you are!"

She grinned indulgently. "As great as Mr Jukebox is, he's just not gonna cut it tonight."

Barney shrugged. "So make a booty call?" He drained his own drink. "I bet there's at least twenty guys you can think of right now that would drop everything for a chance to nail you." When she didn't react, he raised an eyebrow. "Thirty?" He laughed. "Slutty! Nice…"

She chuckled. "Trouble is, say I do that, say I call someone up and I sleep with him… Then what? There's awkwardness. There's the next morning. I have to be up real early…"

"Oh, Robin, my naive friend from the north," He said, steepling his fingers under his chin and gazing at her with those oh-so-blue eyes of his. "You make sure you go to _his_ place, have wild monkey sex, then you pretend to go have a shower and slip out while he's sleeping it off." He looked exasperated. "Come on! This is basic stuff that I learned in kindergarden!"

She shook her head. "Ew! And I know for a fact that you didn't lose your virginity till you were-"

He coughed loudly. "It's still sound advice!"

"Barney, I haven't had sex since I left Japan! I don't want anything complicated and I don't want to feel lousy afterwards for screwing over some poor guy." Robin snapped. She felt angry and frustrated - with her life, with her career. She just needed to take it out on someone.

Barney rolled his eyes. "Surely there's at least one guy you can think of who will give you what you want without any strings attached?"

The scotch was kicking in, giving her nice, slow buzz. She threw caution to the wind and grabbed her purse, stabbing at her cell phone as she sent a hurried text message.

"You see? That wasn't so hard, was it?" Barney looked smug until his own phone vibrated in his hand. He looked down at the screen in surprise. A smirk spread slowly across his face. He tapped a few keys and winked at her.

A second later, Robin's phone blinked as a message arrived. She laughed as she read it.

"Okay," She said. "Let's go".

*--*--*

It was different this time.

Their first time she had been drunk and Barney had been comforting her. The sex had been tender and loving and somehow more thorough than she'd expect.

This time it was all hard-edged kisses and fingers scrambling at clothing through laboured, panting breaths. As they staggered through the door she pushed him against the wall, clawing at his fly until they overbalanced and managed somehow to make it to the low, leather couch. She pulled at his tie as if her were her anchor in the low-lit, unfamiliar apartment. They never made it as far as his bed.

It kind-of hurt when he entered her - but it was a good hurt and it was what she'd wanted anyway. This kind of itch was hard to scratch and somehow, instinctively, he knew exactly what to do. So many times she'd been with guys who held back - hell, _Ted_ had always held back! Sometimes it was just nice to know that a man could be brutal when he needed to be. Robin threw back her head as she felt his lips on her neck, his teeth lightly grazing her breast and she raised her hips towards him, wanting him, not thinking about _Barney_ or anything of the friendship between them, but simply drowning in him, wallowing in the feel of his skin under her hand where his shirt had ridden up, his flesh so firm, so utterly _male_. She was frantic, she was on edge even before their first kiss. Every stroke that brought their bodies together, every hard _thrust_ that forced her body back against the leather cushion, every single movement was building into something, in a rushing orgasm that quickly consumed her - too fast, too furious to really enjoy.

She was left panting, flushed, looking up at him and seeing her expression reflected in his. The need hadn't gone away. She saw it so clearly in his eyes even as she was aware of the throbbing inside her own body that still needed to be released.

He grinned down at her then. A challenge? She laughed and took his face between her palms, drawing him down for a long, languid kiss. She could feel the beginnings of stubble against the tips of her fingers and dragging across her chin. She didn't care. She kissed him hard and with a passion that she was sure he wouldn't be able to misinterpret.

She considered what he'd said about going for a shower and slipping out the next morning and realised that the last thing she wanted to do was sleep.

There were no words between them. This was Barney. She didn't need to tell him what to do.

*--*--*

Lily was thoroughly confused. It wasn't as if she wasn't used to weird telephone calls from Barney at stupidly early hours of the morning, but this one was just bizarre. He'd called her from an unfamiliar number and asked her to meet him at strange coffee shop that was nowhere near his apartment - presumably he'd just escaped from some skanky girl's place? - and he'd kept stumbling over his words. Lily had heard Barney drunk plenty of times before and this was not what he usually sounded like. She barely made any sense out of him at all.

If it wasn't for Marshall needing to be up extra early for work, Lily might have ignored it and left Barney to clean up his own mess. But there was something about the call that made her uncomfortable and the second she walked into the coffee shop and spotted him, she absolutely knew (with an instinct honed from many years teaching kindergarden) that she had been right to come.

Everything about him was weird and wrong. He wasn't wearing a suit (she'd almost missed seeing him because of that) and the way he sat was slumped, curled over, his expression blank. This wasn't childish petulance, like the tantrums he'd throw when he lost wii games to Marshall or when Ted wouldn't play Laser Tag with him. This was something akin to shell-shock.

Lily took the stool opposite him. There was a cup of coffee in front of him, untouched and cold.

"So, what's up?" She said, not too brightly.

He didn't look her in the eye. His gaze seemed to slide away from her as he spoke - as if he were nervous or guilty. She'd seen the same thing happen only a few times before with kids in her class, when something really bad had happened to them. She'd never thought she'd see it in an adult.

"I think I'm sick," He said, so low she could barely hear him.

"Do you want me to take you home?" She reached out to touch his arm but he pulled back. Finally he looked up at her and their was genuine fear in his eyes.

"Can't go home," He said. After a beat, he shook his head.

"Barney, what's happened? You're scaring me. Are you in trouble with work?"

He bit his bottom lip. "No nothing like that. I told you, I think I'm sick."

"Then do you want me to take you to a doctor? Hospital?" Somewhere inside her was still a suspicion that this was a set-up somehow - a game, a prank.

Barney shook his head. "I can't go home. I can't…" He was shivering, Lily could see that.

"I really think you should see a doctor," She said gently. "Come on…"

He looked up at her then, his eyes flashing angrily. "I don't need a doctor. I need _you_, Lily. I need your advice!"

Again, the suspicion surfaced. Barney had played so many women that it was hard to take him seriously. He never took himself seriously, after all.

No, not never… There had been times. Lily thought she was probably one of the few people to ever glimpse that deeper side of him beyond the flash exterior.

"I woke up this morning and I looked in the mirror," Barney said, the words sounding jarring and odd. "I didn't… it was… I don't know who I am!" He ground the palm of his hand into his forehead. "I know it sounds lame, but it terrified me."

Lily stayed silent for a moment but her gut twisted in sympathy for him. "If you're kidding around, Barney…" She said eventually.

"I'm not! I- Nothing was right. Not my apartment, my clothes, nothing. I had to get out of there." He rubbed his eyes. "I'm falling apart…"

"It sounds like you're having some kind of breakdown…" Lily ventured.

"Oh, really?" He said, cuttingly sarcastic. "Because that hadn't occurred to me!"

She tutted. "Look, do you want my help or do you want to be a jerk?"

He shrugged.

"Did you take any drugs last night?" She asked him.

"No, definitely not." He sighed. "But you know, this has been building for weeks, perhaps even months. I've felt like I've been holding on only by running faster and faster - longer hours at work, more women, more booze, spending money faster than I can earn it. Now it's all a black pit and there's no way out."

Lily nodded. She'd been there. Oh boy, had she been there. "Oh Barney, what you've got to realise is there are plenty of ways out, but you are in no position to see them right now."

Barney cocked his head and she could see the keen intelligence in his eyes. Why did he always mask it with so much bravado? "I called you because, out of all of us, you're the one that's felt like this. You're the one that got through it. When you left Marshall… When you ran up that debt?"

"Yes," She nodded. It hurt, but he was right. It made a perverse kind of sense that he'd turn to her.

"You felt like you were suffocating?" He asked her, "Like you couldn't breathe?" He shielded his eyes with his hand. She ached in sympathy at how hard he was finding this.

"Yes," Lily knew that he needed support; someone to listen.

"You felt like everyone in your life was pinning you down into something you didn't want to be, or didn't know if you wanted? That you'd built this shell around you all your life and you didn't know if there was any _you_ inside the shell any more?" He took a slow, deep breath. "Ten years, Lily. Ten years since Shannon and I'm still running away from everything, the pain, taking ridiculous leaps…"

"What do you want to do about it Barney?" She said gently.

"I want to run away." He said with a sigh. "Like you did to San Francisco. But I need you to tell me if you think you did the right thing. If you could go back and do it again, would you?"

This was a very, very difficult question. A painful question. Lily had thought about it many times but never really been able to come to any conclusion. Eventually she said, "Yes. Yes, it was the right thing to do. I regret how much I hurt Marshall… and Ted, of course. But if I hadn't done it, I never could have been happy. Something else would have happened and I might have lost Marshall forever."

Barney slumped slightly, as if some of the tension he'd been holding inside had dissipated.

"But I don't think you should run away," Lily said firmly, causing him to look up in confusion. "Get away for a break, certainly. Have a holiday. But come back soon. I know you need to do this. I understand and I can help you through it. The others will too."

"No!" He exclaimed, the word cracking as he said it. "No, don't tell them. Just say… I've gone on a business trip. Please, Lily?"

He looked at her imploringly and, even though she knew it was a practiced expression designed to make her wilt, she had a sudden insight into his desperate plea.

"Is all this something to do with Robin?" She asked him. No point in not being direct!

"Yes," He said simply, unflinchingly.

"Would it help if I spoke to her?" Lily asked.

He thought about it and shook his head. "I wouldn't even know what you should say. I don't even know what I want. I don't even know who I am!"

Lily smiled sadly. "Then go and find yourself. Go and find Barney Stinson and come back for show and tell?" She grinned. "Just make sure you keep in touch?"


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2 - The search for Stinson

"Don't you think it's weird?" Marshall said, thumbing through his cell phone messages, "Doesn't it feel strange?"

"What's that honey?" Lily asked as Ted set down a pitcher of beer and some glasses.  
"That none of us have heard from Barney?" He said.

"Oh, not that again!" Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"It's just not like him," Marshall continued. "He's surgically attached to his iPhone and I've never known him to go more than a day without using a computer. I've sent him, like, twenty emails and now when I try to call him, his answer service says it's full or something."

"Yeah, you know," Ted said thoughtfully, pouring Robin a beer just as she collapsed on the seat next to him. "I never thought I'd say this, but I actually miss getting gross-out, totally inappropriate emails from him. I was so bored at work today I even checked his blog!"

"And?" Marshall said, eagerly. Lily and Robin laughed.

"Nothing since he went on that trip."  
They all made concerned noises.

"Exactly what did he say anyway, Lily?" Ted asked her. They all turned around to look at Lily expectantly.

The trouble was, it was getting harder and harder to deflect them. The more vague Lily was, the more suspicious it made them all. So she'd ended up telling them he'd said his trip would be "two weeks" rather than the "couple of weeks" she'd originally offered. And the two weeks was up today. "I've told you. Don't worry about it. He's probably busy? Or he's in some backward country that doesn't have cell phones or computers..." She said, weakly.

"Lily! Every place has cellphones and computers," Robin said (and was immediately bombarded with "even Canada?" but she ignored them). "And he's too busy to send me lesbian porn?" She continued, incredulously. "I thought that was how he deals with stress!" She laughed, but Lily thought the sound was rather brittle. Robin had been moody ever since Barney had left. As much as it was driving Lily crazy with curiosity to know exactly what had gone on between the two of them, she knew that if she asked, she'd have to reveal everything she knew about what Barney had really told her.

"I'm gonna ask at work," Marshall said finally. "Find out when he's coming back."

He was greeted with chorus of: "Ooo, good idea!" from Robin and Ted.

Lily wanted to protest. But she knew Marshall and, more importantly, Marshall knew her. He'd know instantly that she was keeping something from him. And in any event, she was getting a little worried about Barney herself.

"No time like right now?" Ted said, pointing at Marshall's cell phone.

"Why not? There'll be someone still around from Human Resources." Marshall mumbled reluctantly and dialled a number, getting up to take the call outside the noisy bar.

While Marshall was gone, Lily watched Robin carefully. Her friend was evidently trying to act unconcerned, but her face wore a kind of permanent frown as she stared intently at her beer.

A few minutes later, Marshall returned to the table. Lily's hand automatically reached out for him as he collapsed into the seat beside her.

White-faced, Marshall placed his cell phone carefully on the table in front of him and swallowed.

"What is it?" Ted asked him, urgently.

"Barney quit his job two weeks ago. He's not coming back."

*--*--*

The first thing they all did was high-tail it down to Barney's apartment building. The conversation between the four of them quickly fizzled out. No one knew eactly what to say. They atmosphere alternated between worry for and anger at Barney.

"How could he just leave his job?" Marshall said for the umpteenth time as they made their way to Barney's appartment, led by Lily, who noticed that Robin was hanging back. "What if he's in trouble? Gambling again? You'd think he'd have asked us for help?"

But when they got to Barney's door, it was already open. A woman, dressed primly in a suit, a high collar shirt and pearls, was standing in the middle of Barney's living room talking loudly with a young couple. The woman looked around and glared as the four of them barrelled through the door.

"Do you _mind_?" She said, her eyes shooting daggers.

"Who are you?" Marshall said, stepping forward and taking control of the situation. "Where's Barney?"

"I'm dealing with the sale of this property. If you want a viewing, you'll have to make an appointment."

Ted and Robin looked at each other in horror.

"We're friends of the owner - Mr Stinson," Marshall continued. "We just want to get in contact with him." Lily squeezed his hand.

"I'm sorry, but the property was sold to us, free and clear, last week. The previous owner was another realtor company, certainly not a Mr Stinson."

While Marshall argued the case and tried to get some more information, Ted gestured to Robin to follow him outside with Lily trailing not far behind.

"What the hell do we do now? It's like he's disappeared off the face of the earth!"

Marshall finally joined them. "It's aliens!"

"It's not aliens!" Robin said, laughing.

"It's aliens! It must be! Aliens have kidnapped Barney!"

"Calm down everyone!" Lily said. "You're missing one important lead here. Something that even aliens couldn't mess with."

"What?" They asked her.

"James. Barney's brother."

*--*--*

"Heyo!" James said brightly as he opened the door, a square of terrycloth draped over one shoulder. "Come on in, guys. It's good to see ya! Looking good!"

"Hey James," They greeted him.

"I'm guessing you came here to ask about Barney, am I right?" James asked them as they filed inside his and Tom's beautiful apartment.

"Yes!" Robin said with a squeak, which made the other's look at her. James gestured for them to sit down.

"I'm surprised it took you all this long," He said.

"So you've talked to him?" Ted looked up eagerly.

"How is he?" Lily said.

"Where's he gone?" Marshall countered, his words overlapping the others.

James held up his hands. "Hey, I haven't spoken to the man for about two weeks. He's going through some stuff, you know that? I think he was about to go off the deep end… He sounded like he was working himself into an early grave. He asked me if he should go take a break from it all and I told him 'hell, yeah'!"

Ted shook his head in denial. "But that's ridiculous. If he was in trouble, why didn't he talk to any of us about it?"

Lily felt herself blush with guilt and was careful not to look at Marshall.

James laughed. "_Barney_? Admit that he's ever been anything less than awesome around you guys? Do you not even know my brother at all?"

Marshall scowled. "But James, it's one thing to take a break, but it's another to just quit your job, sell your apartment and not tell anyone where you are or that you're safe!"

Ted nodded sanguinely. "Yeah, James. We're all just really worried now."

James shook his head. "Barney's fine, guys. He sent me a postcard a couple of days ago…"

They all looked up at him in confusion. "A postcard?" Ted frowned then suddenly looked up and Marshall. "We got a postcard last Saturday. I remember because it was so weird. It didn't have anything written on it except our address so I kind'a assumed it was junk mail and threw it away. But on the front it had a picture of the Liberty Bell…"

"You guys _licked_ the Liberty Bell!" Marshall laughed, then narrowed his eyes at Ted. "I _still_ can't believe you guys did that without me. Damn it, Ted!"

"Shhh, let it go, honey," Lily patted her husband's arm. "So if you think Barney sent us that postcard, why didn't he just write something on it?"

James shook his head helplessly. "Why do something obvious when you can make a game out of it?"

"That _is_ a bit… Barney…" Lily conceded.

"I got a postcard too!" Robin piped up. She opened her purse. "I kept it. Because… It made me… laugh… And it reminded me of Barney." She handed the postcard to Ted, who turned it over in his hands then passed it round.

"Exactly like ours. Just the address written on the back, nothing else."

"Why does a picture of a kid building a sandcastle remind you of Barney?" Lily asked her, incredulously.

Robin giggled awkwardly. "It just _does_ okay?" She gave her friend a glare that quite clearly said "Drop it, Lily!"

"Postcards?" Ted said, as Marshall handed him back Robin's card. "Barney disappears, quits his job and sells his apartment and all he sends us are some cryptic postcards. And this doesn't worry you at all, James?"

James sighed. "Of course it worries me. But I really think Barney has to do this. If it's what will make him happy then I'm fine with it. And he knows we're right here if he needs us."

Robin looked up at James earnestly. "You think Barney will come back?"

Lily looked at her. Robin obviously really missed him, they all did. Probably more than they'd ever have thought possible after only two weeks.

"Of course he'll come back." James said, reassuringly. "He's got his family here in NYC and his friends that love him. And he's lived here his whole life. This is his home. We just have to understand that he's going through some stuff."

But they didn't understand, not really. And the longer Barney stayed away, the deeper it hurt them all.

*--*--*

Six months later, Robin emerged from a cab in downtown LA and it was like stepping out into an oven. She didn't know if she loved or hated LA. Whatever, she only had two more days of the heat to contend with.

She found it hard to remember the last time she'd spent more than two weeks at home - home being New York. It was fun, rushing from state to state, coast to coast, covering whatever stories were needed. This new job was great; energising and draining in equal measure. But there was a hollow space inside her that she desperately needed to fill. Sometimes she resorted to hooking up with any blonde guy with a twinkle in his eye. Not behaviour she was particularly proud of, certainly not something that she really talked about with Lily. She knew her best friend was a little worried about her, but it was easier to hide behind a mask of bravado when she _was_ so happy with what she was doing. The occasional twinge of pain deep inside could be hidden - covered up. She'd been using that strategy her whole life, after all.

Robin checked her watch - she had about half an hour before she'd be needed in makeup - time to grab a quick skinny frapuccino (more to hold against her forehead than to actually drink) and find an air-conditioned shop to buy it in. A large Costa Coffee caught her eye at the end of the block and she made her way towards it.

The Costa was pretty busy - with most seats taken and filled with a buzz of laughter and conversation. Robin didn't mind waiting in line - it gave her a chance to think about the assignment ahead and to compose herself. Her attention was continually distracted though - first with looking outside the bay windows and watching the people walking past in the sunshine. The colours were different here. Everything was garish and bright and it was a little wearing. It made her long for New York. Robin turned around when the barista asked for her order. She asked for her drink, resisting the siren call of the skinny lemon cup cake, and turned around to continue her people-watching inside the store.

It was mainly a young crowd; students, teenagers, young professionals in suits grabbing a bite to eat between meetings. There was one particularly lively bohemian group who'd taken over the low sofas in the back of the shop. She occasionally caught snatches of their conversation - high-brow discussions about art, literature and music - the stuff that Ted, no doubt, would have relished. Robin chuckled to herself and, shifting slightly, she managed to position herself directly below the AC outlet and smiled. What was it about coffee shops and pretentiousness? She'd prefer a bar, any day.

Although these guys seemed to be enjoying it and Costa did seem to be a great place to get out of the heat and enjoy some lively conversation. She glanced over at the group at the back once more, casually scoping them - yeah, about her own age. A couple of cute-looking guys in the mix too, one in particular… He was half turned away from her but she could see him laugh, gently, not raucously like some of the others. His fair hair was a little too long, perhaps, curled slightly around the nape of his neck and his ears. He was tanned and wearing a simple T which showed off a nice body - not too muscled, but slim and toned, just how she liked them. She turned around fully, getting a closer look. Yeah, she liked the way he held himself and, as he turned slightly to talk to the pretty woman to his right, she liked what she saw even more. Nice eyes. Could totally do with a shave, but…

Robin turned back to the counter as the barista shouted out her order. She was smiling, she realised. Shame this wasn't a bar, because it would have been easier to….

As her fingers clutched the ice-cold plastic cup, Robin's stomach suddenly did flip flops. Her heart began to race. Her stupid brain had suddenly caught up with her stupid eyes and now her brain was screaming at her.

She whipped round to get another look at the bohemian group at the back of the shop - at the cute guy. It couldn't be? There was no way… It couldn't be!

She grabbed her drink and darted out of the shop. The heat hit her like a slap in the face.

It couldn't be!

But she was sure it was.

Barney.

*--*--*

But he looked so different!

Robin was panting and sweating like she had the flu. She felt on the verge of tears.

"Shock…" She thought. "I'm in shock…"

But this was stupid! A guy she hadn't seen for six months. Her supposed-friend, who had disappeared out of her life completely and yet had kept sending her those stupid, maddening postcards. The guy that haunted her dreams, that drove her crazy...

Stupid Barney. It couldn't be him. Not _here_ of all places? What were the chances?

But, she realised, the chances were not so remote as all that. She did a lot of travelling and this Costa was pretty central. She bumped into other reporters all the time when she was on assignment and she never thought it was that strange or special.

Special…

The word floated around her aching brain, torturing her. What if it wasn't him? What if it was some guy who looked a little bit like him? But with longer hair? She'd just filled in the details. It wasn't like this hadn't happened before. After all, how many times had she seen some random guy on the street in New York and, just for a second, thought it was him? Stupid brain. Stupid Barney!

But this wasn't a second. She'd got a really good look at him.

Okay… so she had to get another really good look. She had to be _sure_.

Robin turned around to go inside, but she could see through the glass door that the group at the back had got up and were kissing and hugging each other - getting ready to leave. Robin took a couple of steadying breaths. If this wasn't Barney, if this was her own mind playing tricks on her, then fine. Just another false alarm - another wave of misplaced excitement followed by another crushing disappointment. Why did she still let this get to her? It had been six months - Jeez! Was she the only one who still looked around hopefully at the door to McLaren's at least six times in an evening?

Pathetic. She was being so lame. Robin straightened her shoulders and walked back into the coffee shop. She hung back by the door, the cool air helping to calm her down a little. The little group broke up and slowly filed past her out of the door. _He_ was one of the last to go. And now… now she was sure.

She stood there, just staring at him. Just staring at him until he looked her way. She nodded once, acknowledging him, but stayed silent just long enough for him to register her presence, for the shock she'd felt a few minutes ago to settle in his stomach.

"Robin!" He said, wide-eyed. And before she could say anything, before she could _hate_ him, he flung his arms around her and drew her into the tightest hug she'd ever been given in her life.


	3. Chapter 3

_Every mile away from him hurts her. She feels every inch. She tilts back her seat, kicking off her heels and closes her eyes. She feels the rumble of the jet engines through the bones in her jaw, her skull. Robin has an assignment and is needed back in New York. What was she supposed to do? Jack in her job on a whim like he did? She didn't have that luxury. She resents him because now she knows that he didn't either. And that it wasn't a whim…_

"Barney, what the hell?" She managed, when he finally let go of her. His expression, pleased and hopeful, was not anything like the one she expected. Robin felt like an interloper in his world, his space. He felt strangely like an alien to her. She smiled inwardly when she remembered exactly what Marshall had said about aliens and how she'd made fun of him at the time.

"You look… incredibly hot!" He said. That grin, that charm… exactly the same, but yet… not.

"You look…" She shook her head.

"Yeah, I know. Totally awesome!" He chuckled softly, a gentle parody of himself. She wondered if he was making fun of her. "You wanna go somewhere we can talk?"

She wilted. "Only if they serve scotch," she said, brushing the hair irritatedly out of her eyes. She was sweating. She was flushed. She didn't want this to be how he saw her - this wasn't how she imagined she'd look after six months. He grinned, and hooked the stray lock of hair over one ear, fingers brushing her neck. It was such an intimate gesture that it made her angry. Good, she could deal with angry! She tried to hold on to the feeling.

*--*--*

He took her to a bar nearby - a light, airy place so utterly different from McLaren's that it seemed like an insult to bars everywhere. But the first scotch helped take the edge off. "I only have a half-hour," She blurted, checking her watch.

"You're going somewhere?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

For a moment, she considered lying, considered telling him she was flying straight back to New York. He seemed so calm that she kind of wanted to rattle him. But she knew this conversation would take a lot more than half an hour and she didn't want to let him off the hook. If she let go of him now, who knew where he'd disappear to? So she avoided the question. He wasn't the only one who could be so freakin' cryptic.

"I'm free later," She said. Playing it cool was one way to go. Playing the game she'd played with so many, many men. But never with so much at stake. Robin felt it, down to her core. This _so_ wasn't a game. Or if it was, it was one she was in terrible risk of losing.

"That's cool," He said.

Cool? What kind of word was that? She felt herself sneer. She felt herself tighten up inside. The anger was building now and she downed the scotch in one.

"What the hell are you doing?" She said, aggressively.

He put up his hands defensively. Nodding his head to indicate her empty glass, he said, "Buying you another drink, apparently."

*--*--*

_Robin wonders why she hadn't called the others. She wonders what she'll say to them. She realises she can't find the words - not any words at all. She realises, with a sudden insight, why all those postcards from Barney had nothing on them except a scrawled address. Sometimes there are no words. Sometimes the feelings run so deep that there is no way to express them. For the first time she softens towards him. For the first time, Robin wonders if she'd got him all wrong. But she quickly clamps down on that thought. To question that would be to question everything. To even consider that Barney was right, or that he had any point at all, would be devastating. Robin rubs her eyes. These weren't tears. There was something in her eye, that was all. Or it was the altitude. Or the aircraft food. _

_The first sob seems very loud, even to her. She bows her head and covers her face with both hands. _

*--*--*

Twenty-five minutes later, she was horribly aware that she should be going, and very conscious that she wasn't going anywhere. Robin didn't do self-delusion, so she got out her cell-phone and made the call. A sore throat, she told her boss. A temperature. Probably something she ate. Give her a few hours, she'd be fine.

She glared at him.

"It's a cell phone, Barney. Remember what one of those looks like?

He tilted his head. "I remember."

"What happened to you, man?" She said, exasperated. She wanted to yell at him but it would be like kicking a puppy.

"What do you mean?" He asked, shrugging.

"This!" She replied. "This isn't _you_! When I came back from Argentina - remember that you were the one that called me out? You were the only one who wouldn't let me get away with all that bullshit. And now you're sitting here with that… hair… and, sheesh, what _is_ that necklace? You look like a god-damned liberal son of a bitch! This isn't YOU!" Now, she knew she was ranting, and the fact that he looked mildly amused just spurred her on. "This isn't BARNEY! This isn't womanising, cigar-toting, rule-giving, life-and-soul of the party BARNEY! I don't know what this is!"

He nodded at the barman, who set down another scotch.

"You sure you want this?" He asked, pushing the glass towards her.

"Yeah, I am!" She said, and downed it in one. He watched her, patiently, barely sipping his own drink.

"You got any more in there?" He asked. "Because chicks look so hot when they're angry."

She couldn't help it, she thumped him on the arm.

"Ow!" He said, rubbing it and laughing at the same time.

"Will you please shut up and let me yell at you some more!" She shouted at him. "I need this! After six months, godammit!"

Barney shrugged. "I thought that was what I was doing?" He nodded at her and snapped his teeth. "Go for it, Scherbatsky!"

She hated him then. She hated him so much. But what she said came from some deeper place inside her.

"I missed you." She blurted. She shut her mouth. She opened it again. The hurt inside just wasn't going away. Seeing him only intensified it.

"I'm sorry," He said.

"Why?" She said, her voice cracking. "Why did you run away?" She had to ask him. She had to. What if this was her only chance? The scotch made her maudlin. She knew she could always use that as an excuse at a later date. "Was it me?"

He didn't answer immediately. Was he thinking about it? Or was he just stalling? Finally, he placed one hand flat on the bar, his eyes unfocussed. "Yeah, partly, it probably was."

A dagger went through her heart. Bastard, she thought.

"And it was Lily. And it was Ted. And it was Marshall. And it was mostly Shannon. And it was every single girl I ever hurt." He made a face - not exactly apologetic, but somehow _knowing_. More self-aware than she'd ever seen him. "I didn't like myself very much. Everything I was, it was all just _fake_. That sounds so facile. It's not meant to be."

She didn't have anything to say. Robin's mind was working furiously but she couldn't speak. As luck would have it, he filled in the silence himself, his voice low and barely audible.

"So I started out with nothing. Travelled around a lot, staying in low-rent hotels and boarding houses, travelling on busses, trying not to think. It may not sound like much, but those first few weeks were a release… and also a blur. My fingers itched, my brain whirred. It was like I was missing something, like going into withdrawal. But gradually even that feeling went away. A couple of times I settled somewhere for a few weeks, but then I just had to move one. I wrote postcards," He smiled at her - not a grin, not a smirk, nothing like the Barney she knew. "It helped to know that there was a lifeline there. But… finally I came here. And, as yet, I haven't wanted to leave. Three months and I'm still here."

"How do you make a living?" She asked him. "Do you have a job?"

He chuckled. "Please…"

"Gah!" She exploded. What was he trying to do to her? She threatened to punch him again.

"Of course I have a job. I have three, actually." He laughed. "It's _really_ expensive here."

"Barney, this is such a bunch of crap!" Robin ground her teeth. "This is so typical of you - Mr 'master of the reinvention'. When things get too much, when stuff gets on top of you, you _literally_ change yourself. This version of you is just as fake as the suits and the women and everything you were in New York. Don't you see? What are you gonna do now I know where you are? Run off again? Why not go down south? Become a farmer? Hey, I know, head for the mountains! You could be a ski instructor? Here's a new career for the late, great Barney Stinson - everything to everyone but nothing inside!"

Robin could tell at once that she'd wounded him and she was glad of it. She'd never noticed before how expressive his eyes were, how his forehead crinkled when he felt lost or confused.

"That's not it…" He said weakly. "That's not it at all."

"Barney, you are so full of it." She leaned forward, needing to break him, needing to get up in his face, show him how much he'd hurt her - hurt everyone. Show him how much damage he'd done. "The only time you're going to find any peace is when you come back to New York, to your friends and your family, and admit what an awful, stupid mistake you've made."

His eyebrows knit together. He bit his lip.

"Admit it. You need to come back. Come back, Barney. Come home." And with that, Robin leaned over and kissed him.

*--*--*

_It was the worst thing she could have done. Jesus! Robin takes a deep breath to steady herself. It would be too, too humiliating to have one of the stewardesses ask her what was wrong. She grabs a napkin and dabs her eyes gently, then takes a large swig of scotch. Stupid brain! No, stupid hormones! It wasn't her fault. He was sitting there with that hair and those eyes and that smile and it wasn't her fault!_

_So why did she feel so guilty?_

_Why did she feel like she'd done the wrong thing?_

_Perhaps she should never have spoken to him at all?_

*--*--*

He kissed her like he meant it.

The third time it was different again. There was still that urgency between them, still that underlying _need_. But there were no words, no shared laughter, no casual enjoyment. There was an intensity to it that almost scared her.

He kissed her in the cab and the time went by _so_ fast. His apartment was cramped, strange, filled with stuff, artefacts, odd objects that tripped her up. They made it to his bed. There wasn't much else in the way of furniture.

They battled - their lips clashing, fingers digging at clothing. Even when naked, they rolled on the bed, neither willing to give up the fight. It was almost a relief when he finally pinned her down, on hand on her thigh, mouth locked into hers so hard that it felt like they were fused together.

It was messy, aggressive sex, sex without pity, sex without remorse. She was so caught up in the moment that she yelled out his name when she came - a plaintive cry that came from her gut, not her mind.

He muttered hers a moment after, eyes closed, features taught as if he were in pain.

It was horrible and it was beautiful. It tore her apart and put her back together again.

Half an hour later, when they had recovered, they did it again.

*--*--*

_On the plane back to NYC Robin realises that he's still a mystery to her. She doesn't really get it: Not how she feels, nor why he has this need to reinvent himself. _

_She also feels really bad about sneaking out the next morning, something she'd never thought she'd do to him - not to anyone. She knows she's hurt him. She even knows it was deliberate. _

_She hates him because he found it so easy to leave Shannon behind. She hates him because he found it so easy to leave her behind. She wants to talk this through with him, needs to talk to him, but she knows she'll never get the chance, not now. _

_She saw how happy he was in LA. Saw him with his new friends. _

_Robin knows she needs to take a leaf out of Barney Stinson's book. She just needs to get over it and move on. _


	4. Chapter 4

In the end, she was surprised that it only took her two days before she began to fantasise about the possible ways that she could get back to LA. Only fantasise, of course, because she wouldn't actually _do_ any of them. Robin considered the stories she might fabricate, or assignments she might chase to get her back to the West Coast. There were old friends she could look up, perhaps even take a holiday? After two days of barely eating, of sleepless, difficult nights, Robin's gut ached and her head hurt and she was so churned up inside that she could barely even think straight at work.

Damn him!

And damn her! Why had she ran out on him again? After all, the whole time he was in New York, all that time he'd been her friend, she'd never thought of him once in _that way_. Okay, perhaps _once_ but only because of extraordinary circumstances.

Okay, perhaps there _had_ been other times. But he was Barney - that was his thing! Attracting women was part of his job description. Anything she had felt towards him had been entirely manipulated by him. Barney was a master of his craft.

Robin nodded to herself, even though she was lying on her back, alone in bed, with no one to see or care if she agreed with her own internal monologue.

Yes, he'd manipulated her. But she'd been safe because- well, because he was _Barney_ and they all made excuses for him and laughed at him and knew it was just his way. With all the horrible things he'd done to other women, it wasn't like he actually had any _feelings_ or anything…

And there it was - the nub of the matter. Everything that Robin could have explained away - everything she'd done, he'd done, that she'd said and he'd said in LA, all of that could be rationalised except that one moment, on the morning that she'd left. When she woken, enveloped by his arms, she felt Barney kiss her hair. She'd looked up at him, his very-blue eyes staring down at her and he'd smiled.

"Don't go," He'd said.

Robin closed her eyes, drew the covers up to her chin. How was it that those two words haunted her? "Don't go," with that hopeful, unguarded smile.

He'd seen her reaction instantly of course - her brutal reaction - so not what he'd expected? Had thought she'd stay with him? Stay with him in LA? For how long? A day? A week? A month?

Forever?

Robin Scherbatsky didn't do forever. Neither did Barney Stinson. And Robin could see the confusion in his eyes - the struggle against his own feelings. Yes, _feelings_ - he _was_ capable of them. And the moment Robin Scherbatsky discovered that Barney Stinson had feelings was the very moment she'd actually hurt him.

That was somehow unfair.

Very unfair.

Robin turned over on her front, burying her face in her pillow but she knew that she wouldn't be able to sleep until she'd was back in LA. She didn't really know what she felt about Barney - but the only way she ever would was if she went and found him, quickly, before he got the urge to run away again.

*--*--*

Ted was tired. He was so bone-tired that he was way past being able to any work. And yet here he was, slumped over his drafting table, drawing lines on paper that would only be erased within minutes and lead to growls of frustration. He was exhausted, but somewhere down the road he'd grown used to that feeling and started to work through it.

He hadn't exactly been avoiding Robin. It was just… what was there to go home to? She was off again on assignment, barely touching base before she flew out again. She seemed to be having the time of her life, leaving them all behind… But when Robin did come back to the apartment, she never seemed all that happy.

Finally, scratching the back of his neck, Ted was aware that someone was standing in the doorway to his office. He thought everyone had gone home?

"That's okay, Sheila," He muttered, not looking up. "Get going. I just need to finish off here."

The figure in the doorway didn't move and, when Ted started to suspect that his eyes were playing tricks on him, he finally pushed himself upright and found himself staring at…

"Barney?" Ted's face twisted in almost comical confusion. The apparition in the doorway did sort-of look like Barney, but a Barney he hardly recognised. "What the hell?"

The apparition gave him a look - a kind of apologetic look - and came and sat down opposite him.

"That's it, I'm dreaming," Ted muttered, rubbing his eyes. The ghostly figure of not-Barney seemed determined to remain resolutely present. "I've been working too hard lately, that's all. Long hours, not eating properly. I'm hallucinating!" He looked up frantically at the figure seated opposite him. "Unless… oh my god! Did you die? Are you a ghost? Are you back to haunt me because of that thing I did to your salad that time?"

The figure did a kind of frowny-smirk expression.

"Nope, I'm definitely dreaming. Oh…. God! Wake up, Ted! Wake up!" Ted cast around the desk and found a glass of water, which he reached for, thinking that if that didn't wake him up then nothing would.

But instead, Barney leaned forward and slapped him smartly around the face. "I'm not a ghost," he said.

"Thanks buddy," Ted said, weakly, rubbing his face. "I think I needed that.

*--*--*

Five minutes later, Ted was getting angry. "So why in the hell did you just take off? Why didn't you ever call me? You must admit, it was a pretty shitty thing to do."

"It was," Barney nodded sagely. He was leaning back in the chair, legs extended precariously so that Ted was sure the chair would unbalance any second. "That's why I wanted to come here to apologise instead of… well, slapping you."

"Well, you can't just apologise and expect us all to forgive you?" Ted felt entirely mystified. He rubbed his face. He wanted to shout at Barney but he still didn't really believe his friend was there. It would be like shouting at himself.

"Of course I don't expect you to _forgive_ me, Ted." Barney said, patiently, as if explaining himself to a particularly stupid child. "Bro code article 5,617 states - 'a bro does not run off to California and leave his bro alone in a chick wilderness for six months.' Subsection A also states: 'When a bro realises he's been a douche, said bro should make amends by any means necessary.' Ted, did I teach you nothing?"

"5,617?" Ted laughed. "You're up to five thousand bro code articles now? Really?"

"I've been keeping a careful note," Barney said, grinning.

Ted shook his head. "What happened to you, dude? These last six months, there's been no one to force me to take home slutty girls, no one to beat me in Laser Tag, no one's been around to help me slack off work!" Ted meant to be flippant but he didn't expect Barney's reaction - the way his grin flickered, like a light-bulb about to die. "I mean, it's been a lot less fun without you around!"

"Yeah, I expect you've spent every day missing my awesome." Barney said, sarcastically.

Ted had never worried about upsetting Barney before. What had changed? Something he'd just said had hurt his friend and he had no idea what.

"I mean… We've… we _have_ all missed you, Barney. We were all really hurt that you never called us."

"I know. What can I say? I was… I am… a dick."

Ted shook his head, annoyed. "Stop doing that!" He raised his voice. "Stop deflecting. Stop admitted everything and start explaining! I want to know why. I need to know why! God-damn it, Barney. Sometimes I wonder why we ever became friends! Sometimes I really hate you!"

Barney sat up and took a deep breath, closed his eyes, then opened them again. "Ted, I want you to tell me exactly what you hate about me. Think really carefully. Don't hold back. Don't pull any punches. When does fun-Barney become annoying, god-awful Barney. Let's make a list." He handed Ted a pen.

Ted blinked at him, non-plussed. "No! That's horrible. I mean- why?"

Barney smiled sadly. "Because everything you're about to say is a reason why I had to get away…"

*--*--*

Marshall looked up from his phone and yelled at Lily, who was busy somewhere doing mysterious girl-things in their new apartment.

"Hey, Lil, guess what?"

Lily emerged from the kitchen. "What is it?"

"I just got the most amazing freakin' text from Ted, look!" He said. He passed his phone to his wife.

"Ted's playing _Laser Tag_?" She laughed.

"Yeah, awesome!" Marshall grinned. "Can I-?"

"No…" Lily said, smiling mysteriously. "We've got guests for dinner, remember?"

Marshall's face fell.

"But I am making chocolate fondue." Lily was pleased to see her husband light up once again.

"And now I remember why I married you…"

"You know, Ted texts like a girl?"

"Totally!"

*--*--*

"Marshall, why in the hell haven't you cut your hair?" Barney said in horror as Lily let him into the apartment.

Marshall's jaw dropped. He tried to speak but absolutely no words would come.

"Hello, dearest," Lily said, giving Barney a quick peck on the cheek. She felt warm inside that he let her do that. Six months ago he would have either pulled away or said something dirty. "You actually made it?" She felt a little guilty for not telling Marshall exactly _who_ their dinner guest would be, but Barney's phone call earlier had thrown her. It had been so out-of-the-blue that she hadn't really expected him to turn up.

"Lily, you didn't tell him I was coming, did you? And haven't you guys held an intervention yet?" Barney continued, drawling the words like a typical cock-sure New Yorker. "I mean, this is ridiculous. I leave the place for a… while… and no-one remembers anything I taught them. Marshall, it's about _standards_! Chicks don't dig scruffy guys!"

Lily almost collapsed with peals of silent laughter and staggered into the kitchen. "That's rich coming from you, hippy freak!" She shouted back. "I mean, that necklace? What the hell?"

Marshall was still gaping, like a particularly distressed looking fish, flapping on the deck of a boat.

"Hello?" Barney said, walking over to sit beside Marshall. "Is anyone in?" Barney half rose, shouting towards the kitchen. "Hey, Lil! I'm worried my pal here's had some kind of seizure and it's not a good look for him."

"Ach, he'll be okay," Lily shouted back.

"So?" Barney grinned, scratching his chin. "You're gonna do something about that hair? I know a guy."

Barney threw himself off the sofa and ducked before the flat of Marshall's hand could connect with his face.

*--*--*

"I'm sorry!" Barney said, for about the twentieth time.

"Barney, I just can't… I can't…" Marshall did actually look as if he was either going to cry or resort to violence yet again. Lily squeezed his hand.

"How many times do I have to say it?"

"You did come across a bit strong, sweetie," Lily said, looking at Barney accusingly.

Barney rolled his eyes. "Marshall, you could see I was joking, right? I just thought it was what you expected! It worked okay with Ted. I thought it might ease you into everything."

Marshall shook his head. "You totally freaked me out, man! I've been sick with worry since you disappeared! We both have! None of us knew what the hell had happened to you!"

Barney gave Lily a look and she smiled briefly. She knew a thank you when she saw it.

"I had an existential crisis."

Marshall shook his head, but he smiled. "You sound like Ted!"

"God, I hope not." Barney shuddered. Then he sighed. "Look, Marshall, I really am sorry. Lily, I'm so sorry. I was so in my own head, I never thought how much I might have hurt you guys. In fact, I actually thought you might be glad to be rid of me…" Barney looked as if he was about to say something else, then stopped.

"No! God, how could you ever think that!" Lily protested and Marshall agreed with her.

Barney smiled and shook his head. "I'm not fishing for compliments Lily. I know I've been a dick to you guys. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. If there's ever anything I can do…"

Marshall put one arm around Lily's shoulder and sighed. "You've done enough for us both, over the years. Don't think we don't know it."

Barney managed a smile.

"Just stick around for a while, that's all we ask?" Lily asked him while Marshall nodded.

"I think we need some time to get used to all this," he said. "Perhaps chocolate fondue will help?" Marshall gave Lily a hopeful look. "What do you say? Stick around for chocolate fondue and possibly some mild violence?"

"It's a deal," Barney finally grinned. "But seriously, dude. We really have to do something about your hair."

"Only if you do something about yours?"

Lily grinned. "I kind of like it," She said.

"Who's?" Marshall asked.

"Well, Barney's _obviously_… Sorry Marshmallow, but he's right."

"Well, dur!" Barney grinned smugly, "Now all I have to do is apologise to Robin."

Lily grimaced. "I hate to be the one to break it to you Barney, but she's not here."

"Why? Where is she?" Barney made exactly no attempt to appear uninterested or casual, Lily was pleased to see.

"She's in LA."

Barney rolled his eyes. "Yes. Yes of course she is." He put his head in his hands and began to thought she could definitely detect a note of hysteria.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey James!" Barney looked a little nervous when his brother opened the door.

James stood there for a moment, mouth open. "Damn, brother!" He practically squealed. "You look smokin'!"

Barney beamed as James hugged him for all he was worth, dragging him forward into the house. "You think so?" He managed, practically suffocating. "You should see Marshall!"

"I think that a certain _lady_ will fall at your fe-et!" James squeezed Barney's shoulder. "Speaking of which, why're you back here and not holed up with your honey-pie in some hotel somewhere, doing the delightfully disgusting hetero-sex boogie?" James chuckled.

Barney followed James inside and took off his jacket, unable to stop himself glancing in the hallway mirror to fiddle with his new, shorter (and admittedly, funkier) haircut. Realising he was in danger of turning into Ted, he stopped himself and sighed.

"Well Robin is… ah-wait-for-it… in LA!" The last words came out in a rush, tinged with bitter sarcasm. His shoulder's sagged, deflated.

"No way?" James's grin disappeared in an instant, to be replaced by concern for his brother.

"Way." Barney said, collapsing on James' sofa, tilting his head back on the cushion. He closed his eyes briefly, not even trying to hide the pain. "It's just doomed, James. And perhaps it's best this way. I got the chance to apologise to Ted properly. And Lily and Marshall! Marshall was the worst, b-the-dub. You were right on that one, bro…"

James tutted. "I told you - that dude's emotions run deep."

"Anyways, Robin's not here, so there's nothing I can do till she gets back."

"You're staying?" James was surprised. "I thought you were only here for a week."

Barney sat up. "Well, yeah. Robin should be back in a couple 'a days. It'll be fine."

James narrowed his eyes and sat on the seat opposite his brother. "Barney, you have _told_ them you're going back to LA?"

Barney bit his lip and rubbed his palms on the fabric of his jeans.

"Brother, do I have to slap you upside the head?" James continued. "This is just like that business with Dorothy Hutchinson all over all."

"James, I'm not nine!" Barney's smile flickered. "Nope, I haven't told them yet. I'll tell them tomorrow night."

"Barney - promise?" James tilted his head to one side. He was deadly serious.

"Yes James," Barney said, as he had so many times before. "I promise." He looked like he meant it.

*--*--*

Robin dumped her bag in the apartment and had a super-quick shower. Even though she hadn't slept in about thirty-six hours, she dried her hair, squeezed herself into a killer LBD and headed for the bar.

She was just so tired, but too strung out to sleep. She was even faintly relieved to see the gang still sat at their usual table. Lily waved at her frantically but Robin merely smiled and mimed getting a drink. She needed a scotch real bad. She needed about four if she was going to sleep.

There was a slender blonde guy at the bar (yeah, _of course_ there was) because _he_ haunted her everywhere she went. Robin couldn't believe that she'd just flown across the entire continent and back chasing after a guy who'd already left town! Okay, so to everyone else she could make the excuse that she'd gone all the way to LA for a story. But she couldn't lie to herself. Since when did Robin Scherbatsky go chasing after guys? Was it okay because Barney was her friend and she'd probably treated him badly?

Another excuse! What the hell?

She sidled up behind the guy at the bar, exhausted as all hell and not thinking straight. "Bet you a hundred dollars when you turn around, I say 'Wow'," she said, huskily.

He turned around.

But it was him that said "Wow…"

*--*--*

He grinned - that gentle god-damned Barney grin that tore her heart right out. What right had he to sit there and look so damn… different? He looked so damn… something (she wasn't even going there), sitting here like nothing had ever happened and _grinning_ at her? "Barney?" For want of something better to do, she punched his arm.

"Hey!" He said. "What was that for?"

She opened her mouth and closed it again. What was she supposed to say? The punch was for two very long, very wasted flights across the country on some wild goose chase, running after him when he'd already come back to New York! But could she admit that to him?

She could, damn it, and she totally would!

"I went to LA to find you! I thought you'd taken off again!" She went to hit him again and he grabbed her fist. He was frowning, she realised. Scowling. She didn't think she'd ever see him properly scowl before; not when it he wasn't playing up to something, not when it wasn't all an act.

"Hey, _you_ told me to come home! I thought this was what you wanted?" He didn't shout, but something in his tone hit home with her. She felt herself flushing. He was telling her off and she didn't like it. She was in no mood to deal with it.

"This whole situation is just so _you_! You never talk to anyone, never tell anyone what you're doing. You always like to be so god damn mysterious! If you'd have picked up the phone, you'd have stopped me making that wasted trip!"

"You really came back to LA just to see me?" He said softly, but she barely heard him.

She was on a roll now, the juices flowing inside her, all the frustration and rage and jet lag exploding out of her. "Why don't you ever _talk_ to anyone, Barney? Why don't you tell me- tell any of us- what you're going through? We could have helped you, you know. But no, instead you push us all away and expect us to run around you, worry about you, pull you back from your theatrics like a four year old who's throwing a tantrum because he doesn't always get his own way!" Some part of Robin was shocked at the vitriol in her words and questioned whether it was even really directed at Barney at all. But anger drove her on. "You could have picked up the phone! They've got phones in LA! You could have emailed me! You could have spoken to me a million times and you didn't! I guess that tells me something about you, Barney Stinson. I guess that tells me that you've got no heart!"

With that, Robin stormed out of the bar, face bright red, and ran all the way up to the apartment she shared with Ted. It didn't help that on the first floor landing she snapped the heel on her stiletto and twisted her ankle.

It was totally expected, really. Just another shitty thing in a very long, long line of shitty things to happen to Robin Scherbatsky that day.

*--*--*

Slowly, they all gravitated over to the bar.

"I think Robin just flipped out!" Lily said, finally.

"Wow!" Barney managed, still clutching the drink that he hadn't tasted since Robin had tapped him on the shoulder.

"Robin's in love with you!" Ted blurted.

"Yeah she is!" Lily added enthusiastically. Then she turned to Ted, cringing a little. "Sorry Ted."

Barney looked a little choked so Lily continued. "I'm sure Barney didn't do anything to encourage it…" She nodded furiously at Barney to back her up.

"No. No, Lily…" Barney frowned, seemed to steel himself, and looked Ted straight in the eye. "Ted, I slept with Robin. Again. Please, _please_ don't hit me in the balls. Again." He put up his hands. "Although I totally deserve it. We should have told you. But I never really knew what.. it.. was, with Robin. I knew she was never serious about me. It just… sort of… happened." He waited for Ted to say something and when his friend remained resolutely silent, Barney continued, mumbling the words. "Okay, so it happened a couple of times." He sighed. "But it never meant a thing… to her. Believe me! She was on the next guy faster than-"

"What do you mean, it never meant a thing to _her_?" Ted interrupted him.

"Crap," Barney muttered. "Okay… I - I admit it. I _have_ had feelings for Robin. Practically since the first time we slept together." He shook his head with an ironic chuckle. "Nope, who am I fooling? - since well before that. But I never did anything about it. I _swear_, Ted!"

"Except sleep with her. Again." Ted said, his expression _very_ serious.

Barney's eyes darted around the group frantically. "I've slept with lots of women. You know that!"

Lily touched his arm. "Now is really not the time to hide behind your reputation as a womaniser, baby…" She said gently.

"Ted, please! You don't understand! I didn't know what to do. I couldn't keep…" He swallowed, the look of terror in his eyes so intense that Ted couldn't keep up the stern façade. So he smiled.

"Relax, Barney," Ted said, looking over at Lily who looked ready to burst. "I'm not saying I'm completely okay about all this, but it does explain a lot. Robin's been going completely crazy these past few months," He looked around at Lily and Marshall for support. Both of them nodded. "And you've had your nervous breakdown of course, which is totally understandable because Robin's enough to drive any man out of his mind…" Ted took a deep breath. "I guess I'm okay with it if you're both okay with it. I mean - I can probably live with it!"

"But that's just the problem!" Barney said, urgently, helplessly. "I'm not okay with it! After Shannon, I swore… I _swore_ I'd never let myself be hurt like this again. If you fall for someone they just hurt you, and leave you, and I can't go through that. And even if I wanted to, I know for a fact that _she_ doesn't! Can you blame her? As awesome as it may be to ride the Stinson experience for one night only, no ones ever gonna want to take out a season pass! Especially not Robin!"

"Sheesh," Marshall said. "You are really screwed up!"

"Thanks buddy," Barney slowly sipped his drink, staring off vaguely into space. "Any other helpful comments, don't hold back now, you hear?"

"She's just tired and a little grouchy," Lily said, attempting to be conciliatory.

"Grouchy?" Barney choked. "You call that grouchy? Sheesh, I'd hate to see her when she's really pissed!"

"I think we should all get some sleep and think about this," Ted said. "Things will look brighter in the morning, kids."

"Yeah, Ted's right. We all need to go to bed."

Ted, Marshall and Lily gathered their coats, but Barney remained where he was.

"I'll just finish up, then head back to James's," He said, when Marshall and Lily offered him their couch. "I'll be okay. You guys go," He continued. "I just need a minute…"

Lily didn't want to leave him like that but Marshall steered her away. Sometimes a bro knew when another bro wanted to be left alone, she guessed.

Barney watched them go, sipping his scotch. He didn't intend to talk to anyone. But when a leggy blonde came over, all white teeth and boobs and long, soft hair, he kind of went into autopilot and got her a drink.

The blonde (he had no interest in her name) smiled at him and Barney thought - what was one more broken promise? It wasn't like anyone would be surprised if he went home with her - James least of all. There wasn't anyone looking over his shoulder telling him what to do.

What was so wrong with his old life anyway?

*--*--*

Robin crashed into bed, not even taking off her clothes. Her ankle still throbbed badly but she could barely manage to shift from the uncomfortable position she was lying in.

Her head span. Had she really said all those awful things? Has she really lost it, big time, with Barney of all people? Oh god, had Ted heard her?

She closed her eyes before tears of bitter shame could emerge. After only a few minutes, the anger and embarrassment had drained out of her and her aching limbs began to relax.

The morning would be the time to worry about all of this. Now was a time for sleep. A whole _lot_ of sleep. She didn't care if she didn't wake up for days.

But just as Robin drifted out of consciousness, the last image she saw was a glimpse of a moment of a fraction of a second - when he'd turned around on that bar stool and said "Wow!"  
And in her sleep, Robin smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

Barney sat on the steps outside McLaren's - outside Ted and Robin's apartment - and watched the sun rise. These steps, they were the same steps where Marshall and Lily finally got back together, due in no small part to himself (the irony wasn't lost on him). They were really, _really_ cold. Shivering, he took a cigar out of his pocket and rolled it between his palms. He felt short of breath, somehow - as if there wasn't enough air in his lungs to smoke it.

It wasn't as if he'd been exactly celibate in LA. He just hadn't gone looking for sex like he always had in New York. It was surprising how, if you didn't try, there was always someone who'd sleep with you anyway. And even when he'd made it clear that he was only looking for a one-night stand, how many of them seemed quite happy with that. In fact, thinking back on it, he'd played more catch-and-release in LA than he'd ever realised at the time. It was just that he had nothing to prove to women any more and no desire to hurt them or play games with them. He couldn't even remember why it had seemed to matter so much to him - the chase, the hunt, the conquest? It was a different matter if he hooked up with someone who wanted what he wanted - just to make that brief connection. But he always knew if he was fooling a girl; if she could be easily fooled. He just didn't want to do that any more.

Like tonight…

The blonde would just have been so easy - _too_ easy. It wasn't that she was just some dumb chick. It was that she just didn't care about _him_. The next morning, he could have spun her around and she wouldn't have even remember what he looked like, let alone his name. All these years he'd spent looking down at bimbos like they were some other species and he was somehow above them and... was there such thing as a male bimbo? If so, then he'd been one. Barney smiled to himself. Hmm, that was something he probably would have blogged about, six months ago.

And it had been so amazingly easy to let that all go... The New York lifestyle, the career, the clothes, the crazy speed of everything - plugged in to electronic gadgetry 24/7. Part of him longed for something simpler - the same part that had been so crazy about the Peace Corps - about escaping to South America just to find a simpler life in a warmer climate. Perhaps that's what he'd wanted all along? Perhaps he'd just convinced himself to chase the booze and the suits and the sex until he'd drowned himself in it.

He'd probably still be doing that now if it wasn't for Robin. Robin was the only thing that hadn't been so easy to let go. But he'd done it! He'd done it before and he could do it again. He knew that eventually the pain would just be the occasional dull ache, like a broken limb which, once healed, twinged in the cold weather.

It never got very cold in LA.

Looking at it logically (and there was really no other way to look at it that made any sense at all and didn't end up with sending her roses and turning into _Ted_), if he was honest with himself, he never thought for a million years that he'd actually end up with Robin - or that he'd have relationship with Robin. That was why, if he was being so brutally honest, he'd bought a round-trip ticket to New York, not a one-way. That was why he'd only given himself a week to go and make amends with his friends (she'd been right about that, anyway) and his brother. He did feel a little better now. And it wasn't as if he couldn't come and visit them again.

So, Robin had rejected him (again). It hurt, sure, but he'd get over it (again). He wasn't naive. He knew how the world worked.

You couldn't turn a "no" into a "yes". Not really. And, by god, he'd tried.

Barney got to his feet and brushed down his jeans. It was time to move on. If he closed his eyes he could just let everything wash over him. This city was too cold, that was it. He just needed some warmth in his life and he was pretty sick of being judged - by himself if not by everyone else.

But strangely enough, amongst all this soul-searching, Barney never thought to wonder why he hadn't actually asked Robin what she felt about him...

*--*--*

Robin woke around three in the afternoon, a pain shooting through her ankle when she moved. "Jesus!" She groaned, her brain flailing around in the usual morning reboot mode - where the hell was she? What had she been doing? Was she late for work? And, finally, was she with some guy? She reached out for the other side of the bed which was cold and empty and opened one eye. She was back in New York - thank god!

Then the events of the night before came back to her.

Five minutes later she was holding herself up in the shower, trying to balance on one foot while the scalding hot water pummelled her skin. Strangely, she didn't feel that guilty about the previous night. She'd rationalised it and mulled it over and had come to the conclusion that she had something going on for Barney. Obviously some kind of crazy infatuated crush, which certainly _was_ crazy, but perhaps a little understandable given her track record in unreliable men. She went through the list, ticking each point off on her fingers: Barney was an unknown quantity - check! Six months in LA meant she definitely felt like she hardly knew him. He was good in bed (_very_ good) - check! He definitely had a thing for her - check! And lastly, probably most importantly - he'd cheat on her in an instant. Yep, Barney Stinson fit the 'Robin Scherbatsky hook-up profile' a hundred percent!

So what was she going to do about it? Well, the obvious thing was ignore it and hope the problem went away. So that was precisely what she wouldn't do. Instead, she do the mature thing and go talk to him!

Limping out of the shower, Robin made it to the kitchen in a quest for ice for her ankle but groaned as she found the ice box bare. Ice… Ice… Where to find ice? McLaren's! She'd take a detour to McLaren's - pick up some ice, knock back a quick scotch (for the pain, definitely not for Dutch courage) then grab a cab over to James's house to talk to Barney.

Pulling on a skirt and blouse (definitely more prim than slutty, given the horror of her previous night's antics) Robin made her way, very slowly, down to the bar.

*--*--*

The last thing Robin expected was to see Barney so soon. She wasn't mentally prepared for it. But there he was, in a booth at the back, sitting with Ted and deep in conversation. She hobbled awkwardly to the bar, losing her nerve and hoping very much that they wouldn't see her and she could sneak off back to bed.

However, Ted chose that moment to be look up and notice her, shouting at her to come over. She looked at Carl for help, but the bartender misinterpreted the silent communication and grabbed the ice bucket and a towel and got her to lean on him while he took her over to where the boys were sitting.

"Robin, what happened," Ted asked her, concerned. Robin collapsed on the seat beside him, wincing with pain. Barney said nothing, choosing merely to glare at her. What _had_ she interrupted? Ted looked flustered and confused.

"I think I twisted my ankle. Was looking for some ice. S'ok, stop fussing," She said, pushing ineffectively at Ted, who was grabbing some ice with his bare hands and offering it to her.

"Oh for God's sakes, Ted!" Barney said finally, exasperated. "Robin…" He patted the seat beside him and helped her lift her foot up on to it. His hands were firm but gentle and if it wasn't for the pain she would have giggled as he felt her ankle. Tutting, he dumped some ice into the towel, wrapped it neatly into a sausage and rolled the material around Robin's ankle. The relief was so instant and enormous and Robin let out a huge sigh of pleasure.

"Just keep it elevated and try to keep off it for a few hours. You'll be fine," Barney mumbled.

"Yeah, I know. I played sports before. I know how to deal with a swollen ankle!" She snorted. She didn't mean the words to sound as harsh or ungrateful as they did and she certainly didn't mean for Barney to slowly and deliberately let go of her foot, place his hands on the table and scowl at her in quite _that way_. Second scowl in twenty-four hours, she thought. Way to go, Scherbatsky! She coughed and continued. "So what was I interrupting?"

"Well," Ted said, looking pointedly at Barney.

"Nothing," Barney said, evidently trying his hand at some telepathy because Ted backed off instantly.

"Yeah, nothing." Ted agreed, hurriedly. "So, how did you bust your ankle, Robin? Looks pretty bad!"

"I just landed on it wrong - last night, trying to get into the apartment. I was pretty tired…" She glanced at Barney. It was a lame excuse, if it was an excuse at all. "S-sorry I was so… ratty. I didn't even come say hi to you guys!" She searched Barney's face for a reaction but he was unreadable.

"That's okay," Ted said, letting her off easy. "We know you had a long flight. Did the job go okay?"

Barney raised an eyebrow at her and mimed "Job?" at her. Robin wondered if Ted was being deliberately obtuse.

She tried to suppress a giggle. Stupid reflex reaction to lying! "Yeah, it went fine."

"Oh really?" Barney said, a hard edge to his voice. "And what was the story, _Robin_? Something _exciting_? Must have been to drag you all the way over to the west coast and back…"

Damn Ted! How could she argue with Barney - how could she even talk to him properly with Ted playing piggy in the middle? Perhaps she should just leave them to it? "Yeah," she said, trying to be cool. "Pretty exciting. Missing persons case," She stared at him, daring him to take this further.

"Missing persons?" Barney's lips curled into a smirk. "Did you find him?" The air hung heavy between them, as if with a challenge. Even Ted began to feel uncomfortable.

"Nope," Robin said, fingers playing over the rim of her glass. "Seems like he's gone forever."

"Well isn't that a shame?" Barney countered. His eyes were hard - like blue steel. Is this what it would always be like between them from now on, she thought? They'd never be able to be friends. "All that travelling for nothing."

"Not really," She said, more gently. "I've talked to his family and friends. He'll be missed." She gulped and looked away.

"A real human interest story!" Ted piped up. "Sounds great. Hey, Robin, you want me to help you back up to the apartment?"

"Sure," She said, gratefully. "Look, I could really do with cheering up right now. Perhaps we could all do something tonight - you know, invite Lily and Marshall and..?" She looked up at Barney, hopefully. "You know, play a game, drink some beer. Just like old times…"

"Yeah!" Ted said. "Sounds great!" Barney cleared his throat and Ted continued hurried, "Except, we'll have to start late. I promised to take Barney to the airport…"

Robin looked at him, unable to hide her horror. "The airport?" She repeated.

"Yeah, his flight leaves at… what is it? Seven? So I won't be back that late. How long before do you have to be there, Barney? Is it one hour for domestic? It's a direct flight to LA, yeah…?" Ted prattled on for a few more minutes while Robin panicked inside, wishing he'd just shut up.

"You're _leaving_?" She said, directly to Barney, the words a little more shrill than she was proud of.

"I'm going home." He said.

"But here's your home," She argued. "New York is your home."

He gave her a confused look. "Obviously not."

This riled her. "Barney…" She said, warningly. "You can't go back to LA. You can't. I won't let you!"

"_You_ won't let me?" Barney laughed mirthlessly. "That's rich."

"Barney," Ted said, warningly.

"Stay out of this, Ted!" Robin shot at him.

Ted held up his hands, "I'm just saying!"

"You're running away!" Robin shouted. "AGAIN!"

"I'm not running away from anything," Barney said, his tone annoyingly reasonable. "I'm running _to_ something. An apartment by the ocean, the sunshine, the calm… And I'll write you guys. I'll… I'll even call! It's not like I won't ever visit."

"But how can we-? How can that work?" Robin was on the edge of tears and every word stuck in her throat. "How can you leave me again, Barney? Jesus!"

Ted looked at both of them, then turned back to Robin, giving her a pointed look. "Long distance never works." He said, gently.

Robin felt her cheeks colour and sputtered. "Long distance-? What the hell, Ted?" How could he manage to say a thing so easily that neither of them would ever be capable of expressing? How could Ted be so calm about implying that there was a romantic relationship between the two of them? However obvious it was by now that she had feelings for Barney, Ted didn't have to come out and say it!

"Long distance between _friends_ can work," Barney said with a sad smile, as if trying to dig her out of a hole. "Between family..?"

Ted looked as though he were about to say something but thought better of it. Robin knew that wasn't what Ted meant and she knew Barney knew it too!

"Besides," Barney said. "What choice have I got?"

*--*--*

It took Lily precisely three hours and four scotch and sodas to convince her to go to the airport. It also took both Lily and Marshall to help get her into the cab. The ride there was awkward and uncomfortable. Marshall and Lily tried their best to chat, burbling away at how amazing it was that Barney was brave enough to move to LA and how none of them could ever imagine leaving New York.

"Jesus, Ted didn't even make it as far as New Jersey!" Marshall said.

"Ooo, that's harsh!" His wife chided him.

"Harsh but fair, He'd never have been happy…"

Robin let their words wash over him. For a long time, she'd struggled with residual feelings for Ted, confused over what they might mean. Now that she was sure that she had feelings for Barney, she was confused over what she should do with them. He'd seemed so hostile in the bar (did she blame him?) and so able to leave her behind (again) that she wondered why she was even continuing to fight it.

But something inside her drove her on. Of course Ted was right about long distance relationships. It wasn't as if her and Barney had ever admitted there was anything more their than a good friendship with occasional benefits! But she couldn't let him leave like this, on this horrible, sour, argumentative note. She owed it to him to apologise for losing her temper. She couldn't bare the thought of him being so far away and still angry with her.

It was tricky getting through to departures, negotiating the long open space and check-in desks with Marshall helping her walk. It was almost comical! But finally, they spotted Ted and Barney outside passport control, with Barney about to go through the gate.

"Stop!" Lily yelled at the top of her lungs. She rushed over to prevent Barney leaving. "We came to see you off!" She announced loudly, having had a couple of drinks herself (to keep Robin company). Lily gave Barney a quick hug, Marshall clapped him across the shoulder and then the two of them dragged Ted away, leaving Robin, limping precariously, alone with Barney.

"Well-" She said.

"It would never have worked," He said, his words overlapping hers. He laughed and, sensing the ridiculousness of the situation, she did too.

"What wouldn't have worked?" She asked, indignantly.

"You and me? Sherbatsky and Stinson. Not exactly got a great ring to it. You know that."

"And so... ?" She asked, her bottom lip wobbling. I won't cry, she told herself. I definitely won't cry. "I'm sorry, Barney. I'm sorry for being such a bitch. Please say you're okay?"

"I already have..." He said, moving in close to her, on the pretence of helping her balance on her twisted ankle

"You and me," She murmured. "It would never have worked." She gulped. God, she wished it could.

"I'll miss you, Robin," He said, wrapping his arms around her, his cheek pressed against her hair. He breathed deeply, as if inhaling her.

"I'll miss you too, Barney," She whispered, hot tears rolling down her cheeks. She could taste the salt on her lips. Damn! She promised herself she wouldn't cry.

He let her go, slowly, the scent of him clinging to her long after he'd hoisted his bag and disappeared into the crowded security gate. Before she lost sight of him he turned back just once and smiled at her. Then he was gone.

Robin's heart constricted. Stupid ankle. Stupid brain. Any normal girl would have run (or hobbled) after him, would have stopped him going. Any normal girl would have done anything for love.

Love? Oh god… did she _love_ him?

Robin stood and watched the security gate for a long, long time, as if half expecting to see him re-emerge. And she wondered if she hadn't just made the single biggest mistake of her life.


	7. Chapter 7

Epilogue

Robin slipped off her sandals and wriggled her toes in the hot sand. The sun was going down and the palm trees cast long, spindly shadows over the landscape. It was quiet enough to notice the crash of each wave against the shore and it was so, so warm. It was everything he'd said it would be.

Carefully picking her way across the beach, Robin finally found him, his back to her, sitting on the sand and staring at the ocean. She sank down beside him, their hips touching.

"Hello Ro-bin," He said, playfully.

She breathed in the salty air and let the steady rush of the waves lull her.

"You didn't answer my question, Barney," She said, finally.

"Which question was that?" He asked. "I sent you three messages while you were in the air."

She chuckled, remembering the messages. Perhaps it had been a mistake to send him a new cell phone? "I got _those_," She said. "I meant, you didn't reply to the one I sent you, just before I got on the plane." She sighed. She hated this - having to berate him. It felt like re-opening old wounds. All the times she'd spoken to him since he'd returned to LA (practically every day, but who was counting?) they'd both danced around the big questions. Robin didn't want to tackle them when her connection with him was so tenuous. A voice on the end of the phone was such a tentative contact. What if she lost even that? But he'd promised not to run away again.

She took a deep breath. "Why do you always make me chase after you?" The last few words made her voice wobble. She knew this would happen! God damn it!

He looked at her with concern. He hadn't shaved again, she thought, distractedly. It was reassuring, somehow. She found she liked this side of him - slightly frayed at the edges. It was softer than he ever was in New York.

"I don't know…" He replied, and put an arm around her. It was so natural for her to rest her head on his shoulder and feel comforted. They fit together somehow. He stroked his thumb absently over her bare arm, making her shiver.

"Are you cold?" He said, tensing, jarring her from her comfortable position. She patted his back reassuringly and nuzzled his neck.

"I don't want to get hurt…" She murmured.

"I don't, either," He admitted.

"But there's a line," She said with a sigh. God, he tasted good! "There's a point in this… whatever this is, between us… when one of us will want more. And then there's possessiveness and jealousy and…" She frowned. "The idea of monogamy… it's _ridiculous_ but…" She realised that she'd already crossed that line. The idea of it- even _imagining_ him with some other girl- it made her squirm.

"It's already too late," He said, sadly. "I've already reached the point where I care too much about you for it _not_ to hurt. And I can try and deny it, but… In the end, I'm in your hands." He sat up and pulled away from her. "I'm not trying to make you chase me, Robin. It's just, I don't feel I can demand anything from you."

She reached out and touched his cheek. He just looked so sad. "Should we just leave this? Should we just try and walk away? Is it to painful?"

He shook his head vigorously. "No. No, it's too late." He sighed. "I can't lose you completely, Robin."

She smiled. "Then Barney, we man up to this. Every time we see each other it's because _we_ want to." She swallowed. It was hard. This was so hard. "And we accept that it's going to be a long time between… If we need something else in the meantime…?"

"It's not the same. It's not _you_…" He said.

Robin smiled, despite herself. "That's good to know. That's really good to know."

"Did you ever think it was?" He looked surprised.

"I guess I supposed that you weren't too particular," She shrugged. "On the numbers alone…"

Barney rolled his eyes. "Numbers aren't everything Robin. And you're hardly a saint yourself." He looked hurt.

She nudged him. "There's a lot I could say to that," She grinned. "But just so long as you've stopped being evil incarnate, I think I can meet you half way!"

He laughed. "You can?" He kissed her gently.

"Let's see just…" She kissed him back. "If we can avoid…" She kissed him again, a little deeper. "Clichés?"

The sparkle was back in his eyes. "Sandy beach? Surf? Think that's enough of a cliché for you?"

"Yeah," She said, pulling away from him. "Sand gets everywhere! Ew!"

"You'd know that, would you? Robin Scherbatsky, I do believe you're blushing!"

She grinned and batted his hand away. "Am not! Besides, we've got a date, remember?"

He smiled slyly. "Ah, about that…"

*--*--*

Robin smoothed down the dress, standing tall, admiring her figure in the wardrobe mirror. She gave her hair and makeup a quick once over and grabbed her clutch purse, forcing herself not to run out of the room and along the deeply-carpeted corridor. Running in stilettos just led to a world of hurt! She'd learned that lesson, anyway.

The hotel room came with the job. The dress and makeover were courtesy of Barney Stinson.

She'd been nervous about asking him to this thing tonight. It was an important dinner and a chance to impress the senior VP of a TV news network over drinks. She really had to bring her A-game! Robin had talked it through with Barney before she'd ever got on the plane (it was her pretext for flying to LA after all) but she had still wondered if he was humouring her.

When Barney had dropped her off at the beautician's and she'd seen this gorgeous full-length blue satin dress hanging up inside, she'd had an embarrassingly girly moment. Robin rarely did girly moments!

Her only slight worry was what her bosses would think of Barney. Perhaps she could pass him off as an artist or something? He had the look. And he was very good at playing a part - or he _had_ been. Robin shook herself angrily. Who cared what anyone else thought of him? She'd certainly feel a lot more confident tonight with him there beside her.

However, when she finally got down to the lobby of the hotel, she stood there for a moment, stock still, and her expression lit up with delight. Barney stood, chatting to the concierge, wearing the most beautifully tailored suit that she'd ever seen. He looked so- so _Barney_ that it almost broke her heart! It was like looking at an old photograph of him. She blinked slowly, feeling for a moment as if six months of her life had been washed away and her stomach did flip flops. She didn't like feeling so out of control. It scared and delighted her at the same time.

Barney turned around and his face split into a (totally appropriate, considering how smoking she looked) leering grin. As she approached him, he stood back as if to appraise her and then chuckled, whispering into her ear "Scherbatsky, are you wearing panties under that dress?"

She giggled, leaned in and whispered back. "Want to bet on it?"

*--*--*

She kept staring at him until he asked her what was wrong. He'd done everything perfectly - charmed the VP's wife (he had a way with older women), did magic tricks for their little girl (what was a kid doing at this thing? Sheesh!) and stuck to the shallow end of the "scandalous" pool. She was proud of him in the scheme of things, although she'd never admit it.

"What?" He asked her again, when she looked at him askance.

"The… " She gestured towards him, up and down.

"…Suit?" He finished, laughing, pointing at the gorgeous charcoal three-piece he was wearing.

"It looks weird. Is it okay? I mean, doesn't it _feel_ weird?"

He grinned. "You're worried I'll slip back into my old ways just because I suited up?"

She snorted. "No!" The giggle gave her away, of course.

"It's just a suit, Robin."

She looked at him, doubtfully, then sidled closer, fingering his silk tie.

"With you, Stinson, a suit is never just a suit."

*--*--*

The material felt slick against her fingers as she ran it through her hands, eyes locking on to his in the dim light. His lips curved into a smile as she wrapped his tie around one wrist and yanked it back towards the bed frame.

"Good with knots… You're such a tom-boy Scherbatsky," He said, softly, teasingly. "Hot!"

She laughed, fixing his other wrist before running a (perfectly manicured - thank _you_ Barney) nail across his bicep. She loved watching him, how his eyebrows knit together as she raked her nails harder against his flesh, dragging them down his bare chest. He groaned, a low, feral sound. She ground her hips against him, feeling him harden beneath her. Her skin still tingled where he had pulled at the strap of her dress earlier and kissed her shoulder.

"God damn, you, Barney…" She hissed. "I'm gonna make you come so freakin' hard…"

She bent her head, dragging her tongue lightly across his throat, under his chin, down his breast bone and across one hard nipple, flicking the tip over the sensitive nub. He strained at his bonds, moaning faintly. "D-don't let me s-stop you!" The last word was little more than a squeak as she shifted lower, her lips playing across his stomach, across the sharp plain of his hip bone and the crease of his upper thigh. She enjoyed teasing him, enjoyed exploring him. It was all the sweeter because she knew that this might be her last chance in a long time to memorise every inch of him.

"Robin," He breathed, the word little more than a plea.

She grinned, rearing up, briefly regretting that she couldn't feel his hands on her as she settled down on him, felt him push inside her. Next time (and, boy, would there be a next time - as many times as possible before sun-up!) she'd set him free. But right now he was hers, helpless, wide-eyed and desperate as she set the pace, teeth clenched as the pleasure built inside her way too swiftly, hands resting lightly on his chest as she rocked her hips and made him cry out for release. There was no holding back - the tide was rising in both of them and she didn't care. She felt his urgency, matching her own, and she ground harder, mercilessly, the ecstasy rising up inside her until there was nothing except the crashing wave and an utterly profound sense of peace.

Eventually she leaned forward and unpicked the tie, kissing him gently on each fluttering eyelid, on his nose and his parted lips until he came back to her.

Then she lay down beside him and he held her close, their limbs entwined so that it seemed like every bit of skin was connected. Robin didn't want it to, but sleep came far too easily and in the hours that followed she had the best night's rest she'd had in months.

*--*--*

Robin awoke first.

She found herself hypnotised by him, studying his face. She loved every inch of him - the faint white lines around his eyes and across his forehead; his messy hair - the tips were blonde but the were roots darker, redder. His eyebrows were bleached almost white by the sun.

He didn't open his eyes but he smiled.

"You're slipping, Scherbatsky," He said.

"What do you mean?" She asked as his eyelids flickered. It was unfair of him. How could she have a proper conversation with a man with such gorgeous eyes?

"You nail a guy in his apartment so that you can sneak off the next morning while he's sleeping it off!"

Robin laughed. "What if I want to nail him again the next morning?"

He grinned goofily. "Shower sex? I like your thinking."

"Stop being such a dude!" But she chuckled. "Anyway, if you were still living in New York, you wouldn't have to worry about me sneaking off at all." She bit her lip. Had she gone too far?

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you really believe that? Do you really think you'll be in New York for long?"

She shook her head, but the truth of his words hit home.

"You want to travel, I know that," He smiled but she could clearly see the sadness in his eyes. "When you get your chances, I want to be the one you call and the one who tells to go out and grab them by the balls. So it doesn't matter where I live."

Her heart ached for him then. "Why do you have to be so damn mature about this!" She said, a little harshly. "Why can't everything be simple? I care about you, I l-love you! I want to be with you, but…" But she really _did_ want to travel and she'd never let him hold her back. She hated him for being right.

"We're not fifteen, Robin. We know the way the world works."

"The world sucks," She said, petulantly.

"It's not the only thing," He said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "What up!"

"Barney!" She said, laughing. "I'm trying to have a proper conversation and you keep bringing everything back to sex."

"Well you haven't given me any in, what? Six hours?"

"More like ten," She said, laughing. Then she sighed, thinking about all the time she'd spend missing him. "I suppose there's always phone sex."

Barney grinned. "Video phone sex? Oooo... Web cam sex?"

Robin tutted. "Long distance, eh?"

He kissed her, his tongue darting between her lips, then laughed. "It's gonna be awesome."


	8. No Time At All part 1

No time at all

"I missed you…" He said, the words a whisper on the air with barely enough volume to reach her at all. Still, they found her heart and pierced it, because she wished he didn't. She hated hurting him.

She hated having to hurt him all over again.

"Come with me to Moscow?" She blurted. "What's keeping you in California?"

He smiled sadly.

"Barney, it's for six months. Maybe longer. And I won't be able to just hop on a plane and come see you for the weekend, like I can now."

He drew her into a tight embrace that nearly killed her. She felt tears forming in her eyes before she could stop herself. His arms, his chest, the way he held her and stroked her hair, it was all so painfully familiar that it made her ache inside, like he was a phantom limb - a piece of her that had been cut off. She could function, but she felt the loss and it crippled her.

Why did he always do this? Why did he always hold her and comfort her and wait for the wave to break. Why did she always seek comfort in him?

Why did she always have to let him go?

"Six months," She said, her lips moving against the soft material of his shirt. "Six months is a long time…"

He was wearing a suit again. He looked handsome, almost elegant. He made it so much harder to leave him. "It's not so long." He said gently. "Not when you have a whole country to explore."

She felt him nuzzle the top of her hair and she just wanted him to break, to run away with her, to do something impulsive and irrational. He always gave her that patient smile, that longing gaze, as if she were a cake and he was waiting for her to finish baking.

Didn't he realise that she'd rather explore Moscow with him? That she'd rather live her life with him? Didn't he realise that every day they spent apart felt like a wasted day; that she'd spend her time wishing she was with him, wishing the time would speed past until she could see him again?

But she could never tell him that. It would break his heart, scare him, push him away from her. It would ruin everything.

It didn't start out like this. A year ago she'd been the one who'd been terrified. She'd been the one who was so uncertain, struggling with the idea that a relationship with Barney could possibly work. But something had shifted between them these last twelve months and perhaps she'd left him behind. She wanted him, she wanted to be with him, she was sure. But he was still drifting.

Barney drew back a fraction and lifted her chin, kissing her deep and long, his lips lingering against hers even as she drew back, feather-light, like a breath.

"Come with me to Moscow?" She asked him again. It was a plea.

"I can't."

She swallowed. She had to ask. "Is there someone else? Back in California?"

He looked startled, blinked in complete surprised, then snorted. "You're serious?"

She shook her head, the tears welling up inside her again. "Yes… no… I don't know, Barney. What's keeping us apart? Really? You don't need to be in LA to do… whatever the hell it is that you're doing."

Barney's finger trailed along her jaw-line, hooking a stray lock of hair over her ear. He smiled that damn knowing smile again.

She just wanted to punch him. "God-damn you!" She said, her voice cracking. "Give me an answer!" She slapped his arm.

"Hey…" He sighed. Then darted away as she tried to hit him again. "Hey…! Look it's Moscow today, it was Africa last month and it'll be China next year. That's just you, Scherbatsky. You're my wandering star. You're my restless soul and that's fine. But I've found my peace and I'm tethered to you, no matter where you happen to be on this earth. I love you…"

She tried to protest but he silenced her with a brief kiss.

"I love you… and… so, hey, we can't be together. It's not the worst thing in the world. I'd rather have… what we have… than nothing. Before I met you…" He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment and when he reopened them she saw the real pain in them. "Before I met you there was nothing. I thought I'd never feel anything, Robin, not ever again. I can't go back to that. But I can't trail around after you. That's not you and it's not me. We make our own rules. We always have…"

He kissed her again and the kiss thrilled her even as her heart broke a little. She hated and loved him, both at the same time. She hated him for being right.

"Please…" He said earnestly. "Please let's just enjoy what we have right now?"

Robin nodded, but she didn't know if she could survive this, if she could take this sweet agony. She didn't know if she could lose herself in his body and his mouth and his lips and his tongue and not shatter into a million pieces when he left her again.

She didn't know how she could survive and go on loving him.

But she knew she always would.

*--*--*

Her place, his place… it was too hard to leave a memory there. They'd started using hotel rooms, anywhere that was transitory, anywhere that was fleeting. Anywhere they couldn't leave a mark.

It made things easier but also harder. Because every gasp, every breath, every touch, every stolen kiss, every single one was lost, melted, disintegrated with the dawn.

No memories, no commitments.

It wasn't enough.

His lips crushed hers, her fingers pressing into his sweat-soaked flesh.

It wasn't enough.

She gasped, groaned, grit her teeth as he slid into her, bucking her hips, needing to feel, every inch, every second, every thrust, every tiny increase in pressure, pleasure…

It wasn't enough.

He quickened his pace, hips piston-ing, lifting her ass to go deeper, harder, faster and she bit her lip in an effort to ride it, the waves of pleasure, her head falling back on the pillow…

It should be enough. It used to be enough.

When she came, it was like she was stuffed full of chaos and fury and he let it out, stealing away all the fear and anger from inside of her, leaving her empty, purged, drained.

It wasn't enough.

When he held her in his arms, she told him she didn't think she could do this any more. That perhaps it was better if they took a break from each other while she was in Moscow.

He looked at her, sadly, as if he'd always expected her to do this, and just nodded. He didn't protest.

"Let's just enjoy what we have now?"

She'd nodded, accepted, let him hold her, but he left before dawn. And she didn't speak to him again before she got her flight the next weekend.

No emails, no phone calls, no dirty text messages. Nothing. Were they really over? Because she couldn't accept it. She wouldn't accept it.

Were they really over? She had a long, long time in the air to think about it.


	9. No Time At All part 2

Part 2

Barney stood, facing the ocean, burrowing his feet into the cool sand. At last… he was sure. After weeks of thinking it through, he was sure that he'd made the right decision.

Someone called his name and he turned around. A skinny dude with short, spiky black hair and thick, horn-rimmed glasses was picking his way across the sand towards him.

"Hey Nathan," Barney greeted him casually.

"B!" The other man said embracing him like he'd been gone for a year, not a few days.

No one in LA called him "Stinson". There were no glass-walled offices, no penthouse apartments, no sky-scrapers. He lived and worked amongst people like Nathan and he'd never been happier. But now it was finally time to leave.

"So…" Nathan said with a half-grin, squinting his eyes against the rising sun. "You're really going?"

"I really am." He said, smiling. He felt calm inside. Serene, almost.

"We'll miss you…"

Barney sighed. He'd known this was coming. "Nate, they've got computers in-"

"I know, I know… But it won't be the same when you're not down the corridor, when I can't just pop down and ask you stuff, show you stuff?"

Barney shrugged. What could he do? He couldn't stay, but that didn't mean he didn't care. "I'm sorry," he said.

"You sure you won't stay on..? I just know we could get you that fellowship. Then everything would be gravy, you wouldn't have to work all hours… you could focus on-?"

Barney laughed out loud at the idea that Nathan was bringing that subject up again. That was the trouble with academics. Everything was about qualifications, research papers, theories, problems. They were as single minded as the corporate dorks he used to work for were about money. Barney realised that he'd simply traded one obsession in for another.

Nathan gave him a sad look.

"That was never my plan," Barney said gently. "You know that." He sighed and shifted his weight. His pants stuck to his legs, damp, despite the fact he'd tried to roll them up around his calves. He'd walked along the ocean's edge for hours that night, thinking, trying to work things out. What he'd said to Robin had been true - it didn't matter where in the world he was, or she was. But at the same time, it sort of did.

"You're not going to throw me a surprise going-away party are you?" Barney looked up, eyeing Nathan suspiciously.

Nathan blushed. Of course they were.

"It's okay, I don't mind. It'll be great to get everyone together." For one last time, Barney thought. He doubted he'd be coming back to LA any time soon. He just hoped his memory of this wonderful place, the place that helped heal him, wouldn't fade as quickly as his tan.

"It's at eight o'clock," Nathan said, his voice a little strained. "Act surprised?"

Barney grinned. "I will. Despite what you think," Nathan had the decency to look guilty. "I'm not running out on you. I'm not running from something this time. I'm running to something."

Nathan didn't look convinced. "It's the least you can do to say goodbye to everyone."

Not everyone, Barney thought. There was one last person he had to go and see.

Barney turned back to look out at the blue, blue ocean. "I'm going to miss this."

*--*--*

Barney took a quick, scalding hot shower before throwing on a plain white T and a pair of battered jeans and heading out to confront Mo.

Mo Lang was the second person he properly talked to when he first arrived in LA. The first was Nathan, although, strictly speaking, did Nathan count? He'd met him on the plane on the way over to LA. It didn't matter. Mo was the second friend he'd made in California.

He'd lived over her coffee shop for six months now, graduating from customer to lover to employee and good friend in that time. He'd made new memories here, to replace the painful associations that coffee houses had always had for him. Ten years of pain since Shannon, replaced by laughter and freedom and maybe even love. He had Mo to thank for that.

He'd never lied to Mo, never promised her anything. But he wasn't a saint, either. And yes, he'd taken comfort in her arms sometimes. There was the fact that she was smoking hot to contend with and he was still a man, no matter what crazy stuff had come out of his head. And, yes, he'd probably gotten too close to her.

Just like he'd gotten too close to Nathan and to everyone else.

It had surprised him - the speed he'd put down roots here, how quickly he'd craved company, friendship. It made him realise how much he'd devalued his friends in New York. That wasn't right, he realised. Not right at all. It was something he needed to make up to them.

Mo was behind the counter, the bell tinkling as he swung the door wide open. She glared at him and headed out back, forcing him to follow her.

"Mo…" He began, spreading his hands in front of him. He didn't know what to say. "I'll write?" He promised, earnestly.

"I've seen your writing. I can't understand it."

She was talking about the journals. He'd written like a demon since coming to LA - thoughts, theories and philosophies pouring from him, through his fingers and on to the page. He'd been lucky enough to get someone to pay him for some of his musings.

But this was different.

"No, Mo… I mean it…" He tried to corner her against the double sink but she looked up at him with fire in her eyes. She was shorter than him by a good foot and a half but her angry stare was always enough to cower him. "Mo, please… I don't want to leave like this."

She had tears in her eyes. Mo, the ball-breaker, her eyes were shining. "You're a bad boy, Barney."

"Never said I was anything but, Mo."

"And you're really leaving?"

Barney smiled, placing his heart on his chest. "What can I say? I'm in love…" He grinned.

She hit him in the arm. He was reminded strongly of Lily Aldrin and of the group of friends he'd dismissed so casually. The guilt settled in on him again.

"That's not the reason!" Mo said, but she had softened, he could see that.

"No, it's not." He smiled, leaned forward and kissed her, very softly on the lips.

"I'll miss you." She said.

Why was he always leaving? Always hurting people? Barney closed his eyes briefly. He didn't want to hide from this feeling. Running away from his emotions never solved anything.

"I'll miss you too, Mo." He answered her.

And he really would. But, finally, he was going home.

*--*--*

The week after Robin left for Moscow, Barney returned to New York City.

He'd thought long and hard about it. New York was where he belonged; it contained his friends, his family. Somewhere along the line he'd lost the reason why he'd run away from it in the first place.

Sure, it was the birthplace of a string of bad habits, but those were habits that he'd (largely) broken. What was more important right now was that he was near the people he loved. Especially with Robin so far away. Especially with how they'd left things.

He deliberately hadn't told Robin that was moving back. Not to hurt her; not to be deliberately mean or duplicitous. He just couldn't bring himself to put that kind of pressure on her. When she'd asked him to go with her to Moscow, he knew he'd made the right decision… because she might have changed her mind, stayed in New York just to be with him. And she had so far to go, could fly so high… he'd never forgive himself for clipping her wings.

Russia wasn't so far away.

*--*--*

"Barney, oh my god!" Marshall rose to his feet and enveloped him in a huge bear-hug and Lily quickly joined in, practically smothering him in their enthusiasm. A smile rose up inside him, a spark of pure joy at being back, being in MacLaren's, being with the people he cared about before he'd ever met Robin. He had kind-of expected it to feel weird… because it had felt weird on his previous visits. But there had always been the stress of seeing Robin and the knowledge that he'd be leaving her soon after. Barney had always tried his best to cut himself off from the pain of saying goodbye. But now tears pricked his eyes as Lily pulled Marshall away, complaining that they were going to suffocate him if they didn't watch out.

"Dude, what are you doing here?" Marshall said, clapping him on the back. They sat him down between them. "You were only here, like, last week? And with Robin in Moscow, we didn't think we'd see-"

"I'm moving back to New York!" Barney announced, unable to keep the news to himself any longer.

Lily's squeal was so high pitched that Barney swore that all the dogs in the neighbourhood must have sat up and taken notice!

"No way, no way, no way!" Marshall bounced on the bench.

"Yes way," Barney replied, grinning.

"What did Robin say? Is she totally excited?" Lily said excitedly. Barney's expression must have given him away. "You have told her?"

He shook his head reluctantly.

"You have spoken to her since she's been in Moscow?"

Barney opened his mouth to explain but then closed it again with a frown. How could he put this in a way that didn't make him look like a total jerk?

Lily hit him in the arm. He bowed his head. "Yeah. Deserved that."

"Barney!" Lily sounded exasperated. "What am I going to do with the two of you? Seriously! Bang your heads together?"

Even Marshall was scowling at him now.

"What was I supposed to do, Lily? Robin's got this incredible job in Russia and she may not ever want come back…" He didn't want to admit how his heart broke a little bit at the thought. "If I'd told her I was moving back here, it would have totally screwed with her… made her feel bad for leaving."

"I… guess…" Lily said.

"No… dude!" Marshall interrupted his wife. "No, that's stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're in love with the girl. She's in totally love with you. Of course she's coming back! You need to be with her. What are you doing, man?"

Barney shrugged with a helpless grin. "It's not like I wasn't going to call her… it's just…"

"It's just what?" Marshall's eyes flashed.

"The last thing she said, before I left… was that she wanted to take a break… from me… from us. That while she was in Moscow she didn't want to have to worry about me." And there it was - he'd finally shared something that had been weighing him down since she'd said those words. Because as convinced as he was that he'd made the right decision, Barney couldn't help but worry that he'd given Robin so much space that he'd let her fly away from him; that he'd managed to lose her completely.

"Oh honey…" Lily said.

"Barney, will you just man up?" Marshall said, clearly exasperated. "Just tell her you love her. And if you don't want to force her back home, then you've got to go and see her." Marshall looked over at Lily. "Because sometimes a guy needs to go get his girl. You're the one who taught me that, dude."

Barney sat between the two of them, feeling the depth of their love wash over him and for a moment it terrified him, made him feel like he was drowning in it. Then he felt Lily's hand squeezing his and he opened his eyes with a gasp. He hadn't even realised he'd closed them.

"I guess…" He said, hesitantly. "I guess this doesn't come easy to me. Commitment. Grand, romantic gestures. That's not me… that's…"

"Ted!" Lily called out as their friend entered the bar.

Barney sagged back against the bench. He'd come such a long way - right across the country and back again. Now he suspected that his travels weren't yet over.


	10. No Time At All part 3

Part 3

"Hey, excuse me…" Someone tapped him on the arm and Barney turned around to find a very young, very blonde girl staring at him. He gave her a hesitant smile in return.

"Uh, hello?"

"Look, I know this sounds like a line… but really it's not. It's just…" She grinned nervously. She seemed like a sweet kid, reminding him of the younger students back in LA. For a second he found himself on the verge of calling Nathan, before remembering just how far away he was from his friend. "You just look really familiar," the girl continued. "Do I know you?"

At the back of Barney's mind, something tickled, like a ghost of a thought of the person he used to be, lining up a bunch of ideas and phrases to use on her. But it was just a tickle and he ignored it, instead choosing to give her a kind-of bemused grin. "I don't think so," He said.

"Weird… that's totally weird…" The girl replied. "I'm Amber!" She stuck out her hand, as if expecting him to shake it. Again, Barney experienced that vague tickle, like there was another version of himself who lent forward, took her small hand in his own and let his lips brush across her knuckles. He shook himself. "I'm Barney," He said with a grin, taking her hand and then letting it go.

"I've totally met you before!" Amber insisted, as if willing him to agree with her. "You look so familiar." Then she blushed. "Wait, you're not famous are you?"

He laughed at that, looking down at his fingernails, which were a little ragged. It should bother him but it really didn't. He chuckled. "No. No, I'm not famous." He also didn't really want a conversation right then. He was waiting for Ted and, as cute as this college girl was, he just needed someone to talk to.

Amber had just launched into another "Where we might have met" speech when, talk of the devil, Ted entered the bar. Barney grinned over at him. But Ted only rolled his eyes and headed for the other end of the bar.

Barney frowned. Well, that wasn't very nice!

Wondering if he'd done something to upset Ted, he apologised to Amber, leaving her to talk to Carl while he made his way to the a table at the other end of the bar, where Ted was sitting alone.

Seeing him approach, Ted nodded over at Amber. "Nice cutlet you've hooked there, buddy…" He drawled.

Barney followed his gaze, confused and wrong footed, then saw Ted narrow his eyes. After a beat he said, "Right… Right, of course. Cutlet… You think I was hitting on her?"

Ted shrugged. "Weren't you? I mean, look at her?"

Barney shook his head with a half smile that didn't reach his eyes. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut. "Yeah...Of course I was… of course I was. You know… Theodore… I have the best hitting-on-her skills known to man…"

Ted let out a sigh. "You know, I really don't get you, Barney. I'd have thought that you'd have at least called Robin by now… Instead, you're playing around with every bimbo-"

"I called Robin… " Barney interrupted him.

"-and you- What?" Ted gave him a startled look."What did she say?"

"I called her but she didn't answer," Barney said coolly. "I've called her about twelve times in the last day and a half, left her messages, emails… She's ignoring me."

"Well, there's a time difference…?"

"Day and a half, Ted!"

"Even so, you shouldn't be hitting on…"

Barney shook his head, letting Ted rant without saying another word. The bar seemed to swim around him, seemed to crowded, too loud all of a sudden. He longed for the warmth and calm and space of LA. He's forgotten how opressive New York was.

But he was here, with Ted practically shouting at him, and he just had to deal with it. Even so, if he didn't do something in the next sixty seconds he'd be shouting right back. He got to his feet and started to walk away. He'd talk to Ted when he'd calmed down.

At least, that was his plan.

Ted got up and followed him, grabbing at his arm. "Barney!" He said.

Barney turned around angrily and shrugged him off, "What?"

But then the girl from the bar came up to them both, grinning broadly. "Hey! I've remembered where I know you! Oh!" Seeing Ted's expression, she took a step back. "Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt… am I?" Neither Barney or Ted answered her, both too busy glaring at each other. "Well," Amber continued, "I read a paper of yours for class a few weeks ago. I'm reading math-stats at Columbia and our professor recommended-"

Barney gave Ted a panick-stricken look than turned back to Amber. "Ah… right. Um, yeah."

"Only it had your picture, so that's how I recognised-"

Barney took her arm and led her back to the bar. "Um, look. Amber," he said. "That's great, but I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. Perhaps we can chat about this… later?" Ted was shaking his head.

Amber blushed prettily and apologised, leaving Barney to confront his friend. They stood by the door in silence.

"You really weren't hitting on her?" Ted asked.

"I really wasn't."

"And now you're writing academic papers on Math?"

"Kinda. Just don't spread it around, okay?"

Ted shook his head. "Oh man... The new you is going to take some getting used to."

"I'm still the old me."

"Yeah, right…" Ted looked back over at the bar, a far-away look in his eye. "Dude… could you just really murder a drink right now?"

"We're in a bar, Ted," Barney laughed.

"Beer is free up in my apartment…?"

"Lead the way..."

*--*--*

Barney wasn't quite sure whose idea it was to play Wii Bowling while drunk, but he was convinced it wasn't his. After a highly competative, if unstable, competition, he and Ted managed somehow to collapse safely onto the sofa and not cover each other in beer.

"You know, I've really missed you Barney…" Ted said, clinking his bottle against Barney's.

Barney sighed and gave Ted and apologetic smile. "I'm sorry Ted. I know it always seems like I'm saying that, but I really am…"

"Sorry for what?" Ted leaned back on the sofa, yawning.

"For being a tool. For going away for so long. For acting like I didn't care. I'm sorry for not saying sorry long before now." He sighed.

"Hey! That's okay… since when did Bros have to apologise to each other?" Ted flashed him a grin.

"Since today?"

"You gonna add an article to the Bro Code for that?"

Barney laughed. "Ted, I burned the Bro Code."

"You did what?" Ted looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

"Psych!" Barney laughed, doubling up on the sofa. "I totally didn't. That's an historic document! That would be like setting fire to the constitution! Which, to be honest, is probably the only way of getting rid of the original!" He winked.

Ted looked relieved. "Jesus Christ, you had me worried. I thought for a minute that you'd been replaced by a Pod-Barney! You're not an alien are you?"

Barney shook his head. Then he thought about it. "Ted, if I was an alien, would I know I was an alien?"

"Dude!" Ted gaped at him. "We should ring Marshall, he knows about stuff like this!"

"We should totally ring Marshall!"

"I'm ringing Marshall!" Ted grabbed Barney's cell phone from the table but couldn't seem to work the keys in his inebriated state.

"Boy, how much have you had, Bro?" Barney asked him.

"Same as you."

"Yeah, but I can hold my booze, kiddo."

"What are you, my Dad?"

Barney laughed, snatching the phone back. He was just about to hit the call button when the phone began to ring in his hand.

"Whoa!" Ted said. "Is that Marshall? That's spooky! He read our minds!"

"No," Barney said, sobering in an instant. The display blinked and blinked but he couldn't seem to bring himself to answer the call. "It's not Marshall. It's Robin…"


	11. No Time At All part 4

Part 4

Robin used her elbow to nudge open the door to her small "flat" (aka apartment), both arms weighted down with baggage. She was tired, irritable, and just needed a good night's (day's!) sleep. Her brain was fried. Five days out on a story in the middle of goddamn nowhere, five days without soft toilet roll, without a good night's sleep, without anything identifiable to eat… What the hell was borsch anyway?

And yet she loved Russia. It reminded her strangely of home - Canada, that is. It was oddly comforting and yet disconcerting at the same time. Once you got outside the cities the people were so friendly, so open and (often) so drunk. Vodka and rye bread - a truly inspired combination to keep out the cold.

At least they didn't make her feel like an awkward teenager, like the pampered, fur-and-gold draped city women did. Robin liked the villagers, the townsfolk. She understood them and she empathised with them. If she was ever going to settle anywhere (when she was ninety, obviously) it would be a place like that.

Robin collapsed on her bed, not even bothering to unpack. She was just so exhausted. But even so, she reached for her phone to check it, just needing to get the routine disappointment out of her system, the perverse closure she got from seeing there were no messages, no missed calls, no…

Her phone was blinking… what the hell?

She's only checked it the day before, she was certain. Admittedly, she'd had it switched off most of the time where there was no signal in the wilderness and she was pretty sure that there was something screwy with her international roaming (Barney would have made a joke about that) and…

Barney…

Wow, that was a lot of messages. She tried to check her voicemail service but it seemed as though that was screwy too.

Thing is, she hadn't had time to be mad at Barney, or even mad at herself for going against her own resolve and not bothering to contact him. Work had kept her on her feet ever since she'd moved here and she'd barely had time to think about New York.

Except… she always thought about it. Something would happen out on a broadcast, or she'd meet someone, or someone would tell her a joke and she just couldn't wait to tell her friends back at the bar, to tell him… But there were no drunken de-constructions of her day in MacLaren's, no late night phone calls. Her routine had been completely disrupted.

And she hadn't had time for it to hurt that it seemed that none of them cared about her.

Pondering the calls and the inaccessible messages, Robin made herself a pot of weak tea and stretched out on the small sofa, booting up her laptop. It was the first time she'd looked at it in a week. She was very, very gratified (more than she felt she could be) by the new messages that rolled into her mailbox, a stream of emboldened text screaming at her all the way from the USA.

Robin couldn't help but grin and (if she was honest with herself) even sniffle a little bit. Her lovely friends. And him…

There were five messages from him, three of which amounted to "pick up the phone, woman" and the other two, well… Let's just say he had a way with words, her guy.

Robin couldn't help but grin as she read them.

She checked her watch. It was stupidly early in Moscow and very late in LA but even so, if she woke him up it wouldn't be the first time. She just hoped she didn't wake him in some skank's bed. She hated talking to him while he hopped around on one foot looking for his boxers in the dark. She could always tell - his hushed tone, the slight giggle in his voice...

Men!

Robin picked up her phone and dialled his number. It rang for a long time, in fact, she was pretty sure she was going to get his voicemail. That would be ironic - playing message hockey with him for six months. Dirty emails just wouldn't be enough. Besides, there were so much between them that was left unresolved, left unsaid…

"Hey!" Barney's voice sounded tinny in her ear. He sounded so horribly far away.

"Hey yourself…" She said, a lump in her throat.

"So how's Der Fatherland?" He said in a ridiculous accent.

"Motherland, Barney. I'm not in Germany." She couldn't help but laugh.

"Didn't say you were…" She could hear him wink from six thousand miles away.

"Idiot."

"You sound perky, Scherbatsky. How're they treating you there?"

She grinned. "I've discovered the joys of Vodka!"

"You've betrayed the bro-hood! Spassiba!"

She laughed. "Are you drunk? Trust me. I'll send you some." It was weird how quickly they fell into their normal rhythm.

"Does that mean you've been making some truly legendary broadcasts? Setting the soviets alight with your wit and élan?"

"Don't tell me you haven't been hacking into a satellite feed somewhere and watching me?" She laughed, because she'd bet a hundred (American) dollars that he was.

But there was a pause. "Nah, missed it. Had stuff goin' on. Paint me a word picture?"

She almost asked him about that but realised it was useless to pry. This was how it always went when they were apart - she'd tell him about her day, they laugh about some familiar thing, their shared interests, their friends and he'd never, ever reveal an inch of himself. If she ever asked him how his own work was going, he'd just laugh it off. All she knew was that he had three jobs. She had no idea what they were. Whenever she went to visit him in LA they'd spend all their time in motels or walking along beaches or eating out. He never let her into his life.

"Why didn't you ring me, Barney?" She blurted. "When I got here. I expected you to…"

There was a noise in the background, like someone was shouting "Tell her you love her!"

Jesus, was that Ted? Robin shook her head. She was more tired than she thought.

"Robin… You said you wanted to take a break. I figured I'd give you some space to find your feet." Barney was speaking too fast. He sounded panicked.

"Tell her you love her!"

It was! It totally was! "Barney, is that Ted? What the hell?" She said. "What's Ted doing in LA?"

She could hear Ted yell: "Tell her you miss her!"

"Ted's not in LA!"

"I can hear him!"

"No, I mean, Ted's here, but we're not in LA."

Robin's smile fixed on her face as he said the words. "What?" She whispered.

"I'm in New York," Barney explained.

"What are you doing in New York?" She asked, dumbly. It didn't make any sense. He'd only just gone back home.

"Robin… I-"

"Tell her you've moved back here for good! Then she'll totally fly back and you can live happily ever after! Hic!" Robin could hear ever word Ted said, crystal clear. Even the belch.

"What…?" She said, her voice low, dangerous.

"No… no, I mean, yes. I've moved back to New York," Barney was saying. "But-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Robin realised that if he'd already moved back then he must have been planning it before she left. She couldn't believe it! She literally could not believe it! He'd lied to her!

"Would you have stayed in New York if I had?" He said, as if that explained everything.

"No! Of course not!" She was angry now, too tired and too furious to think straight. "Do you think I'd have stayed there for you? Talk about fucking egotistical. You self-centred bastard-!"

"Whoa there!" Barney said. "Hold on… backing up…"

"Barney, of all the stupid, idiotic, heartless… You should have told me!" She felt it deeply, the sense of betrayal, of confusion. She told him everything, her best friend, her lover and he told her nothing. Less than nothing. Half way across the world, he still had the power to hurt her.

"You'd better slow down there, Scherbatsky, or you might say something you'll regret-"

"You know, you amaze me…" She said, as something washed over her, a flood of emotions that left her very still, very calm.

"Yeah, this long distance thing sucks, right?" He was saying, sounding a little hysterical. "Tell me how amazing I am?"

"Goodbye, Barney," She said, her fingers feeling cold and numb where she gripped her cell phone.

"Robin-"

She hung up.

*--*--*

"Dude!" Ted said, hovering over him. "She hung up on you?"

Barney stared at the phone in his hand, the way the light on the screen blinked out and it went dark. That's how he felt in that moment. His vision split in two and he rubbed his eyes. He was drunk enough to only feel a dull ache in his chest right now but tomorrow morning…

"I've lost her…" He mumbled.

"Oh quit being so melodramatic." Ted said stridently. "So you had a fight!" He grinned and clapped Barney on the shoulder. "Robin and me… we used to fight all the time! Doesn't mean anything!" Ted pointed at his chest proudly. Well, he tried to point and managed to miss.

"Not helping, Bro."

"Are you kidding? It's great that you're fighting!"

Barney looked at Ted and shook his head. "Oh really?" He said, voice thick with sarcasm.

"No, I'm serious, man. If she's that pissed with you then it means she really cares. You know Robin. The worst thing she can do is ice-over on you. That'd be, like, the death knell for your relationship. All the while she's reaming you a new one, she's kind of showing that she loves you."

Barney raised an eyebrow. Drunken Ted might have a point. "Dude," he said. "You are a wise and surprisingly helpful best friend."

Ted grinned and sauntered over to the kitchen. "Brewski?"

"Yeah… okay." Barney said, yawning. "Mind if I crash here tonight?"

"No problemo - have Robin's room?"

Barney sighed and gave Ted a look.

"Oh, sorry, right… "

"I'll take the couch…"

*--*--*

As it happened, they stayed up late into the night, talking, Ted on the floor, his head propped up on a bunch of cushions, Barney on the sofa.

"So, there's this girl, Sarah." Ted was saying. "She's great… I really like her. But she lives upstate and she's only working in Manhattan for a couple'a months…"

Barney let Ted's words wash over him. All he could think was that he had to fix this, that there must be a way to fix it. Trouble is, he didn't even have his booty call to fall back on now, and he wondered briefly how Mo was doing. All his old numbers, all those faceless bimbos from his old life, they'd all been lost in the ether. He couldn't think and he needed to… to calculate… to work it all out. To work out how to get Robin to forgive him.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?" Ted asked him.

"Yeah…" Barney said heavily. "Just nail this Sarah chick every chance you get. You never know what's around the corner. No day but today, dude. Tomorrow, we die."

"Wow, man… that's dark."

"That's how it is."

"And you used to be so psyched all the time."

Barney let out a hollow laugh. "You think so?"

"That's it! I'm definitely calling Marshall in for a second opinion on this one!"

"Do you think he'll be able to tell us if I'm a pod-person?"

"I hope… so…"

"In the morning…" Barney sighed, pressing both palms tightly against his eye sockets. "I've got to do something, Ted. I can't leave it like this. I can't believe how badly…"

But Ted was already snoring.


	12. No Time At All part 5

Part 5

It is a common misconception that the Russians are a depressive race - not so. Robin found that the grim faces around her in Moscow did not mean that people were unhappy. It was simply that, in the eyes of a Russian, is seen to be unseemly to flaunt yourself or your affluence by smiling too much.

In fact, culturally, the Russians were a deeply romantic people. They often seemed, in their discussions with Robin, to think that foreigner's had no souls. The western world, where fact and logic often took precedence over flair, imagination and personality was greeting with suspicion. In fact, a great deal of Russian life was based on suspicion and superstition. Robin wrote to Marshall and told him at great length exactly why he'd fit in so well over there.

And weirdly, although Robin had been extremely cynical for most of her adult life, she quickly adjusted to the Russian ways of doing things - with guts and passion. Although Robin did occasionally talk to her work colleagues about the man back in New York who held her heart, she felt a certain relief that there was no pressure on her to share everything she felt. The Russians seemed to respect her personal space, her wish for privacy on matters emotional, while still having respect for how deeply her feelings ran. And for that, Robin was extremely grateful.

And Barney did still hold her heart. But in the last couple of weeks Robin had talked to him only once, emailed him a bunch of times and texted him every other day. She felt as though he was still pushing her slowly away and had never realised why it hurt her so. When Barney had tried to ask her what was wrong, sending her the email equivalent of a the noise a small child makes when it falls over and grazes it's knee, Robin had just retreated further into her shell.

There were too many miles between them now to fix arguments very easily. There was just too much distance to heal their wounds.

Perhaps there always had been?

Then one day, Barney simply stopped contacting her. Robin had gotten so used to his messages - like a constant toothache, the skip-beat sensation her heart made every single time she saw his name appear on her cellphone - that when it was absent all she felt at first was relief. It wasn't until Lily asked him if she'd heard from him that Robin checked her phone.

No, nothing since the previous night - which was weird, because of the time difference she'd pretty much always wake up to a message from him.

And yes, okay, things had been sour for weeks now. She'd been walking around looking as dour as her native colleagues working over at RBC TV. But she'd never expected him to break off contact completely.

Maybe Barney was busy?

What the hell was he doing for money anyways?

By the end of the day, she was tempted to call him. Not that it would have been that weird, not really. They did have the occasional proper conversation.

The woman in the neighboring apartment knocked on her door with an offer of tea and maybe something stronger just as Ted called. Had she heard from Barney, her friend asked.

Okay, now that was just weird. And a bit scary.

And so she appreciated just sitting and drinking the tiny, frozen cold shots of pure, clear vodka with her neighbor, who totally understood what it was to have a broken heart.. But when she tried to call Barney, he wasn't picking up his phone.

And yes, she was comforted by the woman's gentle conversation about a husband who'd left her and a son who squandered rubles like water. But soon Barney's answering service was full, she couldn't even hear his voice any more.

Robin went to bed early exhausted, knowing she had a stupidly early-bird start at work. And she dreamed of men with knives in dark alleyways, all rheumy-eyed with alcohol.

The next morning Barney didn't call her back. She was really worried now but she has no idea what Barney was doing back in New York. As always, he'd kept her in the dark.

*--*--*

Anatoly was gorgeous. Tall, raven-haired with a brusque, no-nonsense approach, the cameraman had been openly interested in Robin from the first day she'd begun working here. It wasn't a "date" exactly; it was lunch. But lunch could be fun as well as functional, and it didn't have to be all about the half-pint of vodka he was drinking or the fact that her stomach twisted every time her phone buzzed.

Robin would love to say she was a tough, hardened reporter, that she didn't let things get to her. She would love to lose herself in this burly Russian's gaze, to peel away his plaid shirt and reveal the well-muscled torso below.

She would like to have taken this man back to her place and made love to him. And a couple of months ago she would have. This wasn't the first time she's been on another continent since she'd struck up her relationship with Barney. It's not like he'd begrudge her this, but that was precisely the problem.

She didn't want Anatoly, not really. She wanted Barney.

And then someone sat down at the table with them and adjusted his shades (sunglasses, indoors? In this weather?) and leaned forward with his sunshine smile and said casually "Hey Scherbatsky! Who's this guy?"

*--*--*

Robin looked shocked and a little surprised. Then her eyes narrowed and her lips thinned into a hard line.

"What in the hell are you doing here!" She snapped.

Not a good start.

Okay, a really bad start, but Barney could work with it. He took a huge breath.

Then he stopped before he could find the words.

Everything he wanted to say to her sounded suddenly stupid. Everything he'd planned sounded trivial and- And she was sitting with some ape-man. What the hell?

"Hey, could you give us a minute, dude?" He said, turning to ape-man and flashing him a tight smile.

The guy did the worst thing he could do. He looked over at Robin for support - for confirmation - for freaking permission.

"You're sleeping with him!" Barney blurted.

"Barney!" Robin said, outraged. "You have no right."

"Tell me you're not sleeping with him?"

"It's none of your business," she blushed, looking away.

He covered his chest with one hand and practically sagged forward with relief. "Thank god."

"What?" She raised her voice in defiance.

"Well, you clearly haven't had sex with him from the look on the dude's face!"

"Barney!" She took a gulping breath and shook her head, changing her mind. She grabbed him by the bicep, her nails digging into his flesh as she dragged him from the table out side of the café.

He was pretty sure she was going to punch him out. Or shoot him. But yet again, she managed to surprise him. She launched herself at him, flinging her arms around his neck and holding him so tightly that she practically strangled him.

"What are you doing here?" She mumbled into his ear. Was she crying?

He managed to untangle himself from her arms. "I just came to tell you that you were right."

She laughed, sniffing back tears. "What? What about? Which one of the many things I am right about are you going to admit?"

He grinned at her. "It does matter where we live."

She shook her head in confusion but she was still smiling. He figured he was ahead in the game.

"It matters." He continued. "But we were both thinking like lame, normal people."

"What do you mean?" She chuckled, leaning in to kiss him lightly on the mouth, nibbling his lower lip.

"I mean, New York will always be our home. But this isn't as simple as me uprooting and moving to Moscow. Maybe I could… commute?"

"Commute?" She laughed. "To Russia?"

"Okay, maybe I could spend a couple of months here?"

"Maybe?" Her eyes were dancing with humour.

"I miss you," he said. And he had. He'd missed her like an amputated limb. He was pretty sure she'd spread through him like an infection, decimating all his defences, leaving him with no immunity to her at all. "Why do we have to be, like…." She kissed him again.

"All I want to know is… everything!" She said, laughing. "you never tell me anything."

"What do you want to know?"

"What you've been doing in New York?"

"Freelancing?" He said with a grin.

"Oh Jesus, vague much?"

"Okay, statistical research for an oil exploration company."

She laughed. "Sounds boring enough to be true. And you can do this freelancing from Moscow?"

He shrugged, nuzzling her neck. "I guess."

She laughed. "I love you Barney Stinson. You're a tool, but I love you."

"I think you mean I'm a jerk-off, not tool," he said.

"Sorry, when did Ted get here?" She giggled.

"Shut up, Robin."

"Kiss me then, maths nerd!"

And he did.


End file.
